... inspired by the creek

Wishing you all peace, love and happiness

2011-12-17T09:40:00.000-05:00

Well, it's my 50th birthday today and to be honest, it has inspired some thinking about what I want in my life and what I'm doing to make that happen.

One of the thoughts I've had lately is that I spend a great deal of time reading about improving things I want improving and writing about how I want things to be improved. (Main focus - my weight). I don't spend much time actually DOING anything to accomplish the desired improvements.

To that end, I have decided to take a year long hiatus from this blog. This time next year, I'll re-evaluate.

Thanks to all you who have read my ramblings and offered your encouragement by leaving a comment or two.

Wishing you all much peace, love and happiness in your lives.

Maura
maurastoolbox at gmail (should you want to email)

The Birthday List - part two

2011-12-12T17:54:00.000-05:00

I'm still working on this....

Mindfulness

- establish a mindful eating practice - track hunger levels, focus on eating, satiety and stress

- establish a quiet reflection practice

- keep a gratitude journal

Creativity

- Knitting
- a sweater
- mittens or hats for people who need them
- a cat blankie (to learn to purl better)

- Cooking
- Bake muffins & cookies a few times a year, because I enjoy doing so
- Routinely roast veggies, make salads, and soups for myself

- Reading
- NO weight loss books or blogs (except on MFD)
- More fiction - including my guilty pleasures of romance and mystery novels
- At least two books I should have read in college, but didn't

Gardening
- learn about raised bed gardening (specifically flowers)
- learn about native herbs

- Establish monthly technology free days - where I don't use a computer, iPad or iPhone with the exception of answering the phone or listening to music.
Body

- establish a yoga practice
- ask D for foot rubs
- be more regular with pedicures
- walk in the neighborhood

Birthday list

2011-12-09T07:01:00.002-05:00

My 50th birthday is next Saturday and I've been thinking about making a Birthday List for the next year. Things I want to do that will give me joy, challenge me, nurture me, etc. Yeah, it's about ME. The one thing that won't be on the list is "lose weight"

So far, I'm thinking about categories:

Knitting - a sweater, 12 pairs of mittens (fingerless) to give to a shelter

Reading - not sure what. More fiction. No weight loss books.

Make new friends or reconnect with old ones. I'm sorely lacking in this department. Part of it is because I'm such an introvert and part of is is that I'm a homebody at heart. But - I know I need more friends in my life.

Keep a gratitude journal.

Learn about raised bed gardening.

Establish technology free days

If you have any ideas that are more about nurturing than weight loss, I'd love to hear them!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A quick update

2011-12-01T07:07:00.000-05:00

I'm loving being back on MFD. The support on the maintenance thread is phenomenal. Such wisdom.

And I'm down almost 1.5 lbs from last month's weigh-in. And I've found a type of yoga I actually want to do!

And I'm moving that line - inch by inch away from McDonald's and all that it stands for (to me).

Hubby has refrained....

2011-11-22T06:59:00.000-05:00

.... from saying "how many times do I have to tell you to follow a recipe just as it is written the first time you make it?"

Yep, the peanut butter rice crispies did not turn out. I added chocolate. And forgot the recipe figured the peanut butter being used would be full of sugar, not the healthy kind I used. Anyway, most of them ended up in the trash can - they weren't good enough to share.

But my defiance "this makes me smile" moment made me smile. So, I did indeed honor myself.

Today - bored at work. What will make me smile? Reading. I will read.

Honoring Myself - Doing what makes me smile

2011-11-20T09:09:00.001-05:00

Last week, I made a mistake: I purchased brown crisped rice cereal from Erewhon to stir into my yogurt and fruit. I didn't put two and two together that crisped rice would go soggy in about 2 seconds. And it did and it was yucky. What to do with the expensive cereal?

Rice crispy treats. Yeah. Why not? Hubby goes - why on earth are you doing this? "I want to" I retorted.

My version will have marshmallows and peanut butter. And butter. I haven't made this in ages - as in close to 15 years. But making treats makes me smile. I'll make them today and take them into the office tomorrow. Yes, I'm an enabler. But except for the marshmallows, I'm using real food.

Peanut butter: peanuts, salt
Butter: milk cream
Brown rice cereal: brown rice
Marshmallows: more than 5 ingredients, so not real food.

My concoction will be 75% real food and OH SO MUCH better than the crappy commercial ones they sell in the vending machine. Yuck.

The next time I decide to make such treats, though, I'll skip the marshmallows - I found this recipe this morning: Peanut Butter Crispy Bars. I don't have all the ingredients, but these do look like a wonderful indulgence to make at a later time.

What are you doing to make yourself smile today?

Soapbox: Pizza A Vegetable?

2011-11-18T13:14:00.001-05:00

My husband and I are splurging this evening - we're having pizza. We found a local pizza shop that makes fantastic pizza. It's not healthy. It's a splurge. And I plan to have a big salad with it so I'll be satisfied with one piece. Even with the salad and the 1 slice limit, I know this type of splurge needs to be the exception to my eating - not the rule. I'm sure I won't have any argument from my readers on this point!

So, my question is - why are we allowing our tax dollars to go towards putting unhealthy foods in our public schools? I can see pizza every now and then - maybe every other month or so. Part of teaching our children to make healthy food choices is to actually limit the unhealthy choices. When the food budget is spent on pizza, then how can the healthier options be the focus?

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2011/11/15/142360146/pizza-as-a-vegetable-it-depends-on-the-sauce

For the past few weeks, I've noticed a trend when NPR reports about obesity: it's turning overweight people into victims. There's an excuse offered in each article. Is this so we can feel better about ourselves?

The obesity issue in this country is not simply a matter of calories in, calories out. Or "Eat Less Move More." It's also about big business. It's about manipulation. It's about dumbing down. We have a choice - we can be victims - or we can opt to disengage.

How? Choose to cook using real, not processed ingredients. Choose to not frequent restaurants that serve food product in enormous quantities and assure us that's how normal people eat. (Chilis, The Cheesecake Factory, etc). Choose to never frequent McDonald's again.

Choose to pack lunches to take to work and school. Choose to learn to cook.

Choose to tell our government "leaders" that we will not stand by idly and allow them to sell out to big agri-business so that they can keep poisoning our children with crap food because they got the low bid on school lunches.

Choose to create a new normal where real food, real meals cooked and savored at home are the norm, not the exception.

One of the reasons I've put on some weight is because I started opting into the accepted food norms - eating cookies and sandwiches from the trays brought into the office instead of sticking to my healthy real foods brought from home.

Now - I'm choosing to opt out again. I'm worth it. Aren't you?

It's OK

2011-11-18T11:54:00.000-05:00

What If Dad Is Right And I Really Am Okay?

I read Karen Anderson's After the Before and After Blog just about every time she makes a new entry - and just about every time I read her entries, I gain a new insight.

I caught up with some reading this morning, and once again gained a new insight.

I REALLY AM OK. I had a therapist tell me that many many years ago. I didn't believe him. And at this very moment, I feel I MUST start believing it.

I'm OK when I feel anxious

I'm OK when I feel sad

I'm OK when I feel happy

I'm OK when I feel strong

I'm OK when I feel weak

I'm OK when I feel pretty

I'm OK when I feel frumpy

I'm OK when I feel.

This makes me feel very strong and very powerful.

My Food Diary.com

2011-11-16T07:01:00.000-05:00

Rejoined. I truly WANT to be able to eat intuitively and I'm moving the line towards that. But here are two cold hard facts (I think they're facts - I'm going under the assumption they are):

1. Obesity and then drastic (more than 2 lbs per week) has played havoc on my metabolism. I can't have as much food as I want without killing myself with exercise and that is no longer an option.

2. I have a little bit of an eating disorder.

I need to track my food - hunger levels (see #2), focus, satisfaction AND calories (see #1).

MyFoodDiary.com is, for me, the easiest online calorie tracker there is. And I am willing to pay for it.

And more mittens!

2011-11-06T22:46:00.003-05:00

I'm on a roll. Three pair in two weeks! These are done in a luscious teal alpaca and feel oh so yummy on the hand. As I knitted them, I decided I couldn't keep them for myself, but my co- worker should have them. She is undergoing chemo and radiation and is always cold. Maybe these will help a little.

My Lab results are in: my thyroid levels are normal so the hair loss & splitting nails go unexplained.

Good news, since I am highly predisposed to Type II diabetes: my A1C is very normal, and slightly lower than it was the last time it was tested.

Karen, thanks for the comment and suggestion. As I typed that post, I thought of you and your journey with the medical field and wondered if I might need to expand my options.

Right now, I am "doctored" out and also feel the need to question my motivation to seek medical assistance. I'm not sure the part of who wants everything RIGHT NOW isn't driving this need. Perhaps, even though I know one doesn't exist, I am still seeking the holy grail of weight management: the magic bullet.

I think more thought and action needs to given to the idea that my metabolism is deranged and needs tender, loving care.

Caneo's Mittens

2011-11-05T15:06:00.000-04:00

Disappointed

2011-11-03T06:57:00.001-04:00

I haven't talked about health issues in a while. Some new ones have popped up and they may or may not be trivial. My hair has started falling out and my fingernails split and break if I look at them the wrong way.

I went to an endocrinologist yesterday. I wanted to rule out thyroid and get an explanation if not my thyroid. The doc pretty much ruled out thyroid on spec and gave me no explanation. Perhaps this is my personal cross to bear - living with things that aren't quite right and have no explanation about why they aren't quite right.

Another reason I went was my weight - D is convinced the gain and struggle to lose is due to PCOS. The doc says I probably don't have PCOS. Great. I did so I do. PCOS doesn't go away until menopause and I'm, based on hormone levels, years from that.

BUT... this got D and I to talking. Perhaps the gain and struggle is more than PCOS. Perhaps it's something we are both going to have accept: people who have been morbidly obese most their entire lives have such deranged metabolisms that consistent normal food intake is just not feasible without weight gain or killing one's self with exercise.

The good news - amazing since my exercise has been all but non-existant lately: my blood pressure was 102/70.

The other good news - I met my goal of logging my food for two weeks. Next goal: continue logging my food until Thanksgiving.

Mittens!

2011-10-30T17:58:00.000-04:00

Not perfect, but D is happy

And I had a major success today - D and I went to a deli for lunch. I LOVE their Reubens. And yeah - that's way too much food. I ordered a turkey Reuben and only ate half! I felt satisfied and knew that if I ate any more, I would not feel very well. So I stopped. This is a huge victory for me. I'm practicing mindful eating more and more. And I love it.

And new habits forming

2011-10-28T07:17:00.001-04:00

Hey - over a week of logging my food!

Old Habits Rearing Their Heads....

2011-10-27T07:00:00.000-04:00

So, I'm back at work this week and to be honest, I'm finding it very difficult to focus on my food when I'm eating. I'm eating until the food is gone - not until I no longer enjoy the food.

This is my next hurdle in moving the line towards my happy health - making time to eat with focus at work.

I've got all the roadblocks already in my head:

1. Our break room is one of the most uninviting places I've been - I don't want to eat there
2. I don't have time to actually take a break
3. My food isn't conducive to taking outside to eat

I don't have the roadblocks cleared in my head yet... but I will be thinking about this. I can't do anything about #1 - but #2-3 are all within my control. So I'll be focusing on removing those two roadblocks.

First Day Back - pretty good

2011-10-25T06:45:00.000-04:00

My first day back at work went pretty well. Eating mindfully is definitely a challenge there - I don't take a lunch break so I work while I eat. Not good. But I did pay more attention yesterday. And better yet - I logged my food. I'm going on a week straight!

Instead of cluttering up this page with my food logs, I'm posting them so they show up over on the right hand side.

Home

2011-10-23T15:32:00.000-04:00

So, vacation was fairly low-key.

Saturday: raked leaves

Sunday: moved leaves

Monday: defeated by hard mountain soil - hired cute young man to till the area where I'll plant my daffodil's next time. Finally ate lunch at Yonah Burger. Yum and thank goodness it's too far away to become a weekly or even monthly habit.

Tuesday: drove on the Blue Ridge Parkway - beautiful. No pics, though.

Wednesday: down day - I did some knitting, some reading and some thinking. And some posting on this blog. Committed to moving the line closer to my happy health

Thursday: still pretty much a down day - went to the local yarn store that is "going out of business" (it's really just changing owners) and scored on some great yarn

Friday: still pretty much a down day. Lots of knitting

Saturday: time to come home

Today - slowly getting back into the grove of things. We went to Whole Foods for lunch. Expensive but good. And then some shopping: kale, wild rice, trail mix, cashews, lettuce, an apple for me, peanut butter (I LOVE their 365 brand - it has two ingredients: peanuts and salt). Some ground beef and a chicken breast, and some butternut squash soup.

In a little while, I plan to do some cooking for the week:

Roast some peanuts for D
Make some healthier muffins for D (they aren't low fat or high fiber, but they are better than a pop-tart)
Make some salad for me (steamed broccoli, hard boiled egg, frozen english peas, and chopped lettuce, lightly tossed with an herbed vinaigrette that I made this morning)
Make some chicken and rice soup for me.

Lots of cooking - but I'm in the mood for it. Fall does that for me.

About that line - so far, I'm keeping true to my commitment to log every day. I LOVE the iPhone App I bought over the week. It's free form on the food so that takes a while, but amounts are not necessary. Instead what the app has helped me to do so far, is to start stopping when the food no longer has an appeal to me. It reminds me to stay focused on eating. To eat slowly and taste the food.

As I've mentioned before, I have a tough time with the stopping part when it comes to mindful eating. I almost always wait until I'm hungry to eat. But in the past, I have almost always cleaned my plate regardless of my satiation levels. This app changed how I look satiation. It suggested looking at the pleasure I derive from the food. And I have noticed that food starts to lose it's appeal when I'm becoming satiated. And thinking of it as I'm no longer enjoying this so I'm going to stop is working for me.

The app - very simply called MindfulEating by ViaLean

The result: I came home from vacation weighing 2 lbs less than I did the Tuesday before we left. And I enjoyed some great food - chocolate cheese cake, carrot cake, a yummy hamburger (with mayo, but no cheese), home made potato chips, fried shrimp, shrimp bisque, roast pork, chili, etc. The key this week, is that I didn't eat too much of anything and I stopped eating when the food no longer held any appeal.

Mindful Eating Journal from Oct 22, 2011 to Oct 22, 2011

2011-10-22T20:31:00.002-04:00

Oct 22, 2011
Small handful trail mix
Hunger:9	Focus:5	Pleasure:3

Oct 22, 2011
Shrimp bisque Taste of ham croquettes Roast pork Congris (Cuban black beans & rice) Taste of maduras (fried sweet plantain)
Hunger:8	Focus:7	Pleasure:8

Oct 22, 2011
Mini whole wheat pita Parmesan cheese
Hunger:5	Focus:4	Pleasure:3

Oct 22, 2011
1 Godiva dark chocolate gem
Hunger:2	Focus:9	Pleasure:10

Sign the Body Warrior Pledge | Rosie Molinary

2011-10-22T07:51:00.000-04:00

http://rosiemolinary.com/2011/10/18/sign-the-body-warrior-pledge/

Wow. This is the first time I've seen the Body Warrior Pledge. I plan to print it, commit it to memory and most of all - live it.

Mindful Eating Journal from Oct 21, 2011 to Oct 21, 2011

2011-10-21T20:13:00.001-04:00

Oct 21, 2011
Yogurt, Uncle Sam's cereal (wheat, barley, flax seed)
Hunger:7	Focus:7	Pleasure:7

Oct 21, 2011
10 fried shrimp, 3 hush puppies, 1/2 cup vinegar based Cole slaw, about 3 tbsp baked beans, diet coke
Hunger:7	Focus:7	Pleasure:8

Oct 21, 2011
Chili, corn chips, a smattering of grated cheddar cheese, sour cream & red wine
Hunger:5	Focus:4	Pleasure:7

Fwd: Mindful Eating Journal from Oct 20, 2011 to Oct 20, 2011

2011-10-20T21:20:00.001-04:00

Breakfast(ahem, I know better)
Coffee with sugar. 2 tsp and whole milk
Hunger:2 Focus:5 Pleasure:6

Lunch
Roast beef, green beans, field peas, roll, 1/2 blondie
Hunger:9 Focus:7 Pleasure:8

Dinner
Chicken with rosemary mustard sauce (sherry, rosemary, Dijon mustard, garlic, chicken stock, cream)

White rice

Salad with chopped broccoli an salad dressing

Red wine

Hunger:10 Focus:7 Pleasure:7

<mindfulEating.pdf>

Sent from my iPhone

Mindful Eating Journal from Oct 19, 2011 to Oct 19, 2011

2011-10-19T20:44:00.001-04:00

Breakfast
Trail mix: dried cranberry , dried cherries, cashews, pecans, pistaschios
Hunger:7	Focus:2	Pleasure:3

Lunch
Half grilled turkey & Swiss on wheat, cup of chicken noodle soup ( chicken breast, carrots, celery)
Hunger:8	Focus:7	Pleasure:8

Snack
Trail mix
Hunger:5	Focus:4	Pleasure:3


Cup of white tea with a drizzle of honey
Hunger:3	Focus:7	Pleasure:8


Chai tea with tsp sugar & splash of milk
Hunger:3	Focus:9	Pleasure:6

Cocktails
Bourbon & diet gingerale
Hunger:5	Focus:9	Pleasure:8

Dinner
Chili (ground beef, tomato sauce, chili pepper, beef stock), sour cream, corn chips. 1/2 a beer
Hunger:8	Focus:7	Pleasure:6

I have way too much to say today!

2011-10-19T15:27:00.000-04:00

And it's not coming out in one post. Sorry.

I read Karen's After the Before and After blog today (LOVE that blog and Karen is great!) and learned it's Love Your Body Day.

I think I may have written here (at least once or twice) that I don't remember NOT being on a diet and NOT being obsessed with my weight at the same time. Ever.

I am not on a diet now and I'm really trying hard to ease the obsessing about my weight/body size and what to do about it. Why? Because I deserve to love my body NOW. As it is now.

And as it was before the before and after, as it was during, and as it was after. This is the only body I have and despite what I've done to it, it's served me well:

It got me through 20 years of obesity and depression.
It got me through 6 months of Optifast
It got me through 2 years of brute force weight management
And it's now getting me through the next phase of my journey: moving the line

My legs are not as strong as they were, but they are still strong. My hands are agile, though they hurt some times. My back hurts all the time - and it reminds me to be gentle.

And as I type this - I have learned I have some body work to do: I didn't mention my abdomen, my butt, or my breasts. I can't think of how those parts of my body have served me. But I can certainly think of all the awful things I've said about them. How I've tried to pretend they aren't there. Hide them.

That hurts as type. Makes me sad. And it gently and quietly inspires me to stay the course. To move the line.

So - to my body - my entire body - Thank you.

Oh yeah- I knitted too!

2011-10-19T15:01:00.002-04:00

Same yarn, same needles, two different patterns. I think I have enough yarn to make one more ribbed mitt. That one, other than the thumb being too tight is more comfy and fits better. After that mitt, another pair - same pattern, different yarn, for a friend.

A Rainy Day and Some Reflection

2011-10-19T14:19:00.000-04:00

So a couple of posts ago, I said I was going to be working on getting my mind back to it's right place.

And through raking I can't begin to tell you how many leaves and then moving those same leave, and learning my plan to naturalize daffodils in the perfect spot was not viable, I started to get there. And yesterday on the Blue Ridge Parkway helped me get there a bit more.

I think keeping the mind in the right place is a daily exercise. One I haven't really been doing for about three years. Various reason, perhaps more excuses than reasons. But the bottom line is that I let my mind get almost all the way back to "Old Maura."

Almost. But there are some "Old Maura" patterns that I have successfully refused to fall back to: McDonald's for breakfast and lunch, bowls of rice, grits or pasta for dinner. Not no, but hell no. So, right now, this very minute - I'm giving myself a pat on the back. I have successfully drawn a line in the sand and not crossed it.

It's now time to move that line a little bit closer to where I ultimately want it to be.

And here's where the mind comes into play. Relaxing as I have over the past few days, I've realized that a good bit of mind work is actually the result of doing, not thinking. Oh boy howdy - do I love to think! I'll think about my next plan to lose weight. I'll think about my next plan to work out. I'll think it. Say it. And then stop.

The line doesn't get moved back to where it needs to be for me to be healthy, happy and fit. And I beat myself up. I eat. Rinse and repeat.

I've learned a lot in the past few years. Set goals. Exercise. Acknowledge Success. Be Grateful. Practice Discipline. Do everything mindfully.

And I've done none of it consistently. I get bored or distracted or to be honest, just plain forget. Then say Oh damn!

I have an appointment with an endocrinologist week after next. I mentioned to my husband that I am truly hopeful she is going to be able to help me get rid of the hair on my face. (One of the symptoms of PCOS) His response was "I hope she can help you manage your weight. You don't eat enough in my presence to weigh what you do." Dear husband has promised to go with me to the doctor when I go to hear the results of the blood work. At that time, I think he'll learn that hamburgers and hot dogs and pizza more than once or twice a year just won't work for me. And he may also learn that white rice, bread and pasta are poison to someone with PCOS. I've told him. He doesn't believe it. But that's another issue.

I decided that if the doc was going to be able to help me with my weight (and I hope that too), then she's going to need to know what I typically eat. Ugh - a food log.

Yep. A food log. Here's me doing: I am committing to keeping a food journal from now until November 2nd. I downloaded an app today - it's not a calorie counter app. It's a log to help me also keep track of hunger levels and how mindfully I eat. I am committing to keeping my food journal in this app from now until November 2nd.

Hubby won't like it. He doesn't like most weight management tools. But tough. I took out my iPhone and took a pic of my lunch today: 1/2 a grilled turkey and swiss on whole wheat with a cup of home made chicken noodle soup. Lots of chicken, not so many noodles. Yum.

So, this post has been rambling. I'll try to some it up here. Getting the mind in the right place and keeping it there takes daily diligence. I choose to practice that diligence now by keeping a food log every day. And on the days I can - a few minutes of quiet introspection.

I sense the woman who gave me the advice recently has given up on me. I am sorry about that if it's the case. However, I'm not doing this for her or anyone else. I'm doing this for me. And dammit - I'm gonna do it my way. And I'm going to succeed.

Disappointment and lessons learned

2011-10-17T14:58:00.001-04:00

Saturday: 2 1/2 hours raking leaves from the spot where I wanted to plant my daffodils.

Sunday: 1 1/2 hours moving the piles of leaves

Monday: 2 hours or so of finding out the soil around here is so densely packed and full of deep roots and rocks, that without a tractor pulled plow, there was no way to plant the bulbs. It defeated a bulb auger, a bulb planter, and an old fashioned shovel. And I guess it defeated me two.

Lessons learned:
-check the soil conditions before spending tons of cash on bulbs.
-Hire the cute landscaping guy to plow up the soil before planting day
- Find more ways to do yard work. Despite the disappointment, I learned I actually like to rake and do yard work - as long as it doesn't involve trying to dig up rocks.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A Dose of Honesty

2011-10-14T07:41:00.002-04:00

Recently, a well-meaning woman wrote to me privately that she believed I've been self-sabatoging myself for the past three years. Hmmm.

I've been thinking about that. Though I disagree with her approach to weight maintenance - she's an exercise fiend and I don't think that's sustainable, I have a ton of respect and admiration for what she's accomplished - the amount of weight loss and keeping it off for three years. Her approach is obviously working for her at this time. And when there's a rankle, there's some truth. So, I've been thinking about it.

Yesterday, I wrote that one of my biggest challenges is all the food in the office. My thoughts on how much food is in the office belongs to another post. Let's just say it's wrong. But more importantly, when I re-read that post this morning, I thought to myself. Hmmm. Perhaps {insert name here} is correct. Not necessarily in the sense she described, but there is some self-sabotage going on. I'm naming obstacles left and right. But never the biggest one: my mind.

My mind is no longer in the right place. And I do very much believe that if the mind is in the right place, then the obstacles become less and less of a distraction.

I'm going to be somewhat unplugged for the next week. Oh, I'll have as much access to the internet as I desire. But I desire to plant 100 daffodil bulbs instead. I desire to knit instead. I desire to read instead. And while I'm planting bulbs and knitting and reading, I'm gonna be working on my mind.

I will not return to the former days of weight management by brute force. It's not in me to do so. However, a little bit of discipline can go a long long way. And one does not become one's best self without a little bit of discipline.

So, {insert name here}, if you're still checking on me, know that your comments are being well considered - not summarily dismissed. And thank you.

OK - I only slowed down the runaway train

2011-10-13T06:50:00.000-04:00

Yesterday didn't go as planned. I ate some cake.

And it also hit me that my work environment is probably my biggest challenge. At my old job, I was not an administrative assistant (ie, someone who deals with lunch orders for meetings) nor was there that much food brought in for lunch. It was officially frowned upon. Not so much where I work now. And because I'm an admin, I have to deal with the food.

And I have this thing about food, if I see it and it looks good, I want to eat it. Hungry or not.

I'm on vacation next week and will have some downtime and I plan to explore ways to 1) limit my exposure to the food in the office and more importantly 2) remember to follow my own guidelines when it comes to eating: only when I'm truly hungry and only until I am no longer truly hungry.

I've finally accepted the fact that at almost 50 years of age, I have to learn how to eat.

And I'm going to do so - because I deserve to be my best self.

Stopping the Runaway Train

2011-10-12T06:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was one of those days. Before lunch I felt completely out of control with my work. I know why and I finally found some time yesterday afternoon to come up for air and at least take a look at what was on my plate so I could feel comfortable that nothing was slipping through the cracks.

BUT... I didn't breathe through the process and I ate cookies from Jason's deli. And later in the afternoon, I was about to grab another and, but wait... I stopped myself: "No, you're not hungry and you don't really want that." I think this is the first time I have ever stopped myself in that manner.

Scarfing down cookies that really aren't that great before assessing if I'm hungry definitely falls into the not good category. Stopping myself from doing it again definitely falls into the good category.

Today's challenge: even more delectable sweets that really are good. I don't need them or want them right this minute. And I'm putting up calendar reminders this morning to tell myself to breathe. And I'm going to breathe myself right through not indulging in those sweets today.

Happy

2011-10-10T19:55:00.000-04:00

One of my frustrations for the past three years is that it seems my dear husband does not know how to cook without using butter, cream or sour cream. And he's especially happy when he can use a combination of all three fats in the same dish.

Tonight's menu: ground beef with noodles. I gave him no preparation instructions because one does not tell his man how to cook. I was expecting to pick my way through a fat laden stroganoff type sauce. I was very happily mistaken. The dish had no butter, no cream, no sour cream and it was delicious.

The rest of today went well enough. I logged. I ate when I was hungry. I stopped when I was not. I did get too hungry because I sort of accidentally skipped breakfast. Bad idea. But it turned out OK.

And I did pilates when I got home from work. 18 minutes. Worked up a sweat.

Week 2 update for Ten in Ten

2011-10-10T06:48:00.000-04:00

I guess the biggest update is that I left the group. What I thought was a thoughtful response to the criticism I received for my decision resulted in numbers being thrown at me. I don't have time for that kind of crap and I was quite disappointed that was what was offered.

I know my life and what I can do and I'm sticking to that.

So - I'm on my own and I'll post my own challenges and updates here. Why not?

So the check in is not as good as last week's: I'm up .8 lb - 178.8.

This week's goals:

Consume less alcohol at night - ie, skipping the evening cocktail until Wednesday (our mid week "date night")
Log my food and hunger levels.
Stay hydrated
Remember to breathe when the stress hits.

That's it for now.

Decisions

2011-10-09T16:09:00.000-04:00

I made a decision about exercise this week and posted it to the Ten in Ten group. The decision is that I'm no longer going to stress about how I'm going to fit it in. When I can, I will.

This decision raised concerns - that were very kindly expressed - that I was practicing self-sabotage. I've been thinking about that for a few days here's my response:

My decision to not make a commitment to exercise was the result of the stress I was feeling whenever I would set an exercise schedule and almost invariably, I got stuck at work or in traffic and didn't get home in time to get my workout in. Right now, I don't have an answer to this road block so instead of continuing to keep adding that stress, I'm simply removing it.

Thru my experience with weight loss, and maintenance and then gaining, I've come to the conclusion that exercise should never be made critical to weight loss and maintenance. Life throws crap at you at times (illness, injury, work, etc) that prevents consistent exercise. This is not ideal, of course, but it happens. And when exercise is critical to weight management and that crap happens, then losing or maintaining becomes almost impossible.

Instead weight management really is about healthy choices about what to eat and how much to eat. That, no matter what life throws at you can be more consistently practiced.

I'm not saying that exercise is not critical to overall good physical and mental health. It is. And when I can, I will exercise. I'll even, when I can, shift things so that I can get some extra movement in. I'm just no longer going to stress about it.

Today's exercise: over an hour of Kundalini yoga. And OMG - I had not idea how breathing a certain way can raise the heart rate. I'm half way tempted to wear my heart rate monitor the next time I do the practice just to see how the much my heart rate did get elevated. There was definitely a "cardio" aspect to the practice, even though it was very gentle and slow.

I'm not giving up on me - just taking a slightly different approach than I have in the past because what I did in the past is no longer working

I truly appreciate the comments - they made me think about what I'm doing. And that is always a good thing.

Ten in Ten Challenge - Week 2

2011-10-04T06:56:00.000-04:00

One of the challenges in Week 2 in the Ten in Ten challenge is exercise - to start moving more. Um, any movement at all would be more for me, these days.

I looked at the challenge a bit differently. I have mental roadblocks up about exercise. And some real ones. My job for this week is to remove those roadblocks.

And repeat over and over to myself: I deserve to be fit and healthy; I deserve to be at my ideal weight.

Ten in Ten Check In

2011-10-03T06:50:00.002-04:00

OK- so I started the Ten in Ten challenge at 180.4. That was last Monday.

Today's weight: 178.

What I did right last week:

Tons of positive reinforcement going to and from work (audio activation weight subliminal weight loss)
Stayed aware of my hunger level
Made healthier choices when eating out this weekend.
Remembered that this is a sustainable path and deprivation is not an option - so I enjoyed half a piece of chocolate pound cake.

Dear Maura

2011-09-25T09:35:00.000-04:00

Dear Maura,

This is your psyche and body talking to you together.

Thank you for taking Sandrelle's challenge! Already, we feel lighter and cared for.

Thank you for paying attention to your mantra of eating between the 2's. By doing so, we got enough food, but not too much.

Thank you for not taking a path of deprivation to get turned around so we can move towards health and vibrancy. By not being deprived, it will be easier to stay on the path and not be distracted by pretend food.

Thank you for not giving up.

Sincerely,
Your psyche and body

Ten in Ten

2011-09-24T09:23:00.001-04:00

Oh my - I've surprised myself and joined a challenge! Not just any challenge, but one lead by one of my favorite weight management bloggers - Sandrelle.

The goal is to lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks. Well, for me - that's the result I am to achieve after reaching these goals I've set for myself:

Regain my positive attitude about weight management
Learn to listen to my body and eat only when I'm hungry and stop eating the second I'm no longer hungry
Establish healthy and kind intentional movement practices (walking, pilates, yoga)
Feel stronger, healthier and more vibrant
Lose 10 lbs

My first step will be to focus on the second goal: Learn to listen to my body. My goal is to eat between the two's - an eating guideline advised by Brooke Castillo in If I'm So Smart, Why Can't I Lose Weight.

I know this goal will be difficult - I'm mostly OK with the first part - but stopping when I'm no longer hungry if there is food left is very very hard for me. I need to learn to sit with the discomfort. I know it will pass.

That's it for now.

Just a quick pat on my back

2011-09-20T06:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I committed to myself that I would take a walking break at lunch. I started with excuses before I even left the house - my thighs will chafe, I'll just wait to workout until I get home. But I stopped myself with a gentle "you're making excuses" and I packed my shoes and took my walk.

I don't particularly care for walking in "the largest office park in America" as the streets are incredibly busy with traffic - and I don't mean pedestrian.

Today's - do the same thing but take a different route and if it is raining (we desperately need the rain), go across the street to the mall and walk the mall.

So - a pat on the back for me. I honored myself by walking when I said I would.

Honoring Myself

2011-09-10T14:33:00.000-04:00

I started this self-care list after reading a great newsletter from Christine Inge in which she discusses the importance of putting self-care first. It was a great reminder. Then I read a great blog post from Karen Anderson about what the really BIG goals are and I decided that the big goals actually go on my self care list.

Here's the original list.

1) 1 hour each day to journal

2) 1 hour each day to exercise/stretch

3) Always have good manicures & pedicures

4) Time to defuzz my neck and face

5) Time to enjoy a cup of tea

6) Monthly Massages

7) Quarterly facials

Here's a revised list - which I'm changing the name to Honoring Myself

1. Stay true to myself

How:

Keep my commitments to myself:

Spend time each day just being still

Spend time each day writing/journaling to center myself

Spend time each day taking care of my body with kind movement

2. Do things that truly make me smile

How:

Remember I enjoy reading - and make time for it

Remember I enjoy having pretty toes and fingers - take time to make that happen

Remember I enjoy knitting with fine yarn - and save my pennies for it

Remember I enjoy how great it feels after I've played in the dirt - and make time for it

I'll be adding to this list as I learn to honor myself.

How Weight Stigma Hurts: Hating Our Bodies

2011-09-09T06:59:00.000-04:00

How Weight Stigma Hurts: Hating Our Bodies

The poem at the end is well - WOW.

Self-Care List Check List

2011-09-08T06:56:00.001-04:00

Schedule pedicure - check - 3pm Saturday
Defuzz neck & chin - check
Exercise - check

Self-Care List

2011-09-07T06:55:00.000-04:00

I got this from Christine Inge's newsletter:

"First, I encourage you to make a dream self-care list. Make a list of everything that you would do for yourself (and ONLY yourself) if no one would judge you for it. Then, be honest with yourself about how much of it you actually do and try adding in just one thing from that list into your regular routine."

And here is my dream self-care list

1) 1 hour each day to journal

2) 1 hour each day to exercise/stretch

3) Always have good manicures & pedicures

4) Time to defuzz my neck and face

5) Time to enjoy a cup of tea

6) Monthly Massages

7) Quarterly facials

How much do I actually do?

1) None

2) None

3) I've been better at this - but am in desperate need of a pedicure

4) I need to keep on this - daily

5) Not so much on this

6) Never

7) Rarely

OK - Action plan

1) Journal - gotta think about this one

2) Exercise/Stretch - most days, leave the office at 4pm and come home to take care of me. Ask D to do the errands

3) Schedule a pedicure today!

4) Make this part of my bed time routine

5) Make this my after dinner routine

6) Gotta think about this too - not in the budget

7) Same as above

OK. I have my plan for today: 1) schedule a pedicure 2) leave the office at 4pm. Ask D to pick up beer when he stops at the liquor store. When I get home - exercise!

This was yesterday

2011-08-31T06:54:00.001-04:00

HUNGER SCALE(from Brooke Castillo's If I'm So Smart, Why Can't I Lose Weight)

HUNGER LEVEL	WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
-10	Stomach past growling, headache, obsessed with eating NOW
-9
-8
-7
-6
-5
-4
-2	Slightly hungry, stomach beginning to growl
-1	Just a bit hungry, twinges
0	Neutral – neither hunger or full. Just right. Unhungry
1	Not satiated, still feel like I could eat a little bit more
2	Satiated, energized but still feel light
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10	Gross, overstuffed, heavy, dull, groggy drugged

Table 1 - Updated 8/30/11

I aspire to eat between -2 and 2. As I progress through this journey, I’ll make note of how I feel when I eat outside the hunger boundaries.

August 30, 2011

8/30: 10:27 AM : Just ate a few bites of breakfast: yogurt, blueberries, walnuts with a bit a honey. I was slightly hungry and decided it was indeed time to eat. I paid attention and stopped eating when I was no longer hungry. It was hard – the habit to eat until the plate is clean is very strong. But I stopped eating and moved the bowl of yogurt. I have well over half left to eat when it is time to eat again. This is good.

8/30/2011 11:34 AM: Feeling hungry again. Eating more breakfast. 3 more bites. Hunger is gone. Stopped eating.

11:58 AM: I have picked up the bowl of yogurt and put it down twice now. I am not hungry so it is important that I honor my body and not eat until I am.

12:26 PM – OK – feeling hungry again. This time I finished breakfast. I have to say – this is the longest it has ever taken me to eat breakfast.

12:43 – still feeling hungry. Getting some lunch – half a tortilla, a few bites of chicken and rice. All told – less than the size of my fist.

2:35 PM – I felt full after the lunch lunch I ate, but by 2:15 – was definitely feeling hungry. I ate the rest of the chicken & rice, and a few cookies. OK – more than a few. BUT… I’ve stopped. I realized that if I eat any more, I’m going to feel sluggish instead of good. I want to feel good.

4:17 PM – Woohoo – no hunger, no eating. I feel good. This is good.

Back to this morning - I didn't add my dinner. I was hungry and probably ate to a 5. I didn't feel too full at first, but I did later. All in all, though - I feel really good about yesterday's eating.

Today's Aspiration

2011-08-30T07:16:00.001-04:00

Today, I aspire to enjoying foods that fuel and nourish my body and when my mind wanders to food when I am not hungry, gently bring it back to the present by focusing on my breath.

Today's Aspiration

2011-08-27T08:49:00.000-04:00

D and I are visiting my parents to celebrate my father's 80th birthday. It's a family reunion and I feel all the good and negative stress from all of us being together. My aspiration for today is to stay present and in touch with myself through my breath.

Dear Maura

2011-08-26T08:05:00.002-04:00

I'm making this post a permanent page - so it's easy for me to come back to.

I woke up at 3 something this morning and the mind started racing. One of the thoughts that came is that I needed to write a letter. Better yet, let my body and psyche write the letter. And here's what came out...

Dear Maura,

This is your body writing to acknowledge your efforts to take better care of me.

I appreciate that you are learning that excess weight for so many years took it's toll on my joints and that you are learning to be more gentle with me when you deliberately "take me out for a walk"
I appreciate that you are striving to listen to me when it comes to feeding me - feeding me when I am not hungry makes me feel tired and sluggish. Feeding me nothing but crap makes me feel bloated and gross and completely undesirable.

But when you feed me nourishing foods when I am hungry and stop feeding me when I am satisfied, I feel energized and loved. Thank you for striving to do that.

Dear Maura,

This is your psyche writing to acknowledge your efforts to take better care of me.

I appreciate that you are striving to stop hating me - that you are striving to think good things about me instead of hateful things.
I appreciate that you are striving to stay with me through all the emotions you feel instead of numbing me with food. When you stay with me through the emotions, light gets in and I thrive on the light.
I appreciate that you are striving to nourish me by returning to a spiritual practice. It helps keep me centered and available for that light.

Today's Aspiration

2011-08-26T07:39:00.001-04:00

First - yesterday's recap: Well, I did my best to not think about my weight and size. In the process, I realized just how constant the thinking is. And how negatively I think about it.

Today's aspiration: To gently touch my shenpa thoughts with a feather and go back to my breath.

Today's Aspiration

2011-08-25T06:49:00.001-04:00

This is a two part post. I have to say, I'm really really enjoying and resonating with Pema Chodrön. And today's two part post is inspired by her teaching.

Today's aspiration is to kindly acknowledge my shenpa - or thinking with hooks.

Example: I've already thought about how fat I am today. Many many times. That thinking creates an unease in my body. For the rest of the day, I will aspire to catch myself when that thinking comes and acknowledge by simply identifying it: shenpa.

Part two will come tonight - I'll briefly report how I did.

Living Through The Itch

2011-08-23T18:09:00.000-04:00

I’m listening to Pema Chodron’s Getting Unstuck: Breaking Your Habitual Patterns & Encountering Naked Reality

I joined Audible.com this morning and decided that my first book would be by Pema Chodrön. She’s another gentle, effective teacher.

She was taking about meditation and how we are like children with scabies. They itch. They scratch the itch. The itch gets worse until medical help is required. The child is told to not scratch the itch so they can get better – and they are given medication to help with the itch. Children who desire to get better will do their best to not scratch the itch and take the medication.

I immediately realized that my impulse to eat when I am not hungry is very similar to wanting to scratch an itch – real or imagined. How many times have I successfully kept myself from scratching an itch. Instead I’d breathe through it, distract myself (probably not very Buddhist-like) and eventually the itch would be gone and I’d be better – without the red welts that mark my skin when I scratch it. I’ve done this more often than not – unless it was a mosquito that bit me.

When I have the impulse to eat when I am not hungry (ie, not bitten by a mosquito), it is because something has made me uncomfortable and I want to change that and my first response to discomfort is to desire food and to act on that desire without thinking. We all know that eating when not hungry is simply a minor distraction from the discomfort. And it often increases the discomfort level by adding guilt and remorse. I KNOW this. I don’t practice it.

So, for this moment, I’m living through the itch. I want to eat, but my hunger level indicates that food is not required by my body. So, I’m living through that itch. When my hunger level reaches the point that I know my body requires nourishment, I will eat. I’m not there yet.

Hey - I'm a maintainer!

2011-08-20T17:18:00.000-04:00

It hit me this week that my weight has been fairly stable for the past year. Sure it's a good 30 lbs higher than I'd like, but it's stablized. I like that.

I took a few days off exercise - work got in the way one night and I just didn't want to one night. Back at it today. Leslie Sansone 4miles express. My heart rate didn't get above 141 and the average was 130 (my max according to Polar is 135 for moderate). I did well today. And I feel well too.

After the work out - made a huge salad of butter lettuces, raddicio (sp) and carrots. And home made caesar salad dressing. Not quite the real thing, but full fat, full flavor everything so a little will go a long way.

Found a local butcher - YAY! We bought a month's worth of meat and two properly cut, properly sized filet mignon steaks. Guess what's for dinner tonight? Classic - steak, baked potato (D and I will split), sauteed mushrooms for me, the wonder salad I made and wine. I'm happy.

More later.

To Screaming Fat Girl

2011-08-17T17:55:00.000-04:00

I follow a quite interesting blog about weight loss - it is intensely personal, intelligent and well-written. And closed to comments. So... Screaming Fat Girl, should you see this I just wanted to let you know that the past several of your blog entries have really spoken to me. Thank you.

A little better

2011-08-17T17:46:00.001-04:00

I kept the workout indoors today - Leslie Sansone Walk Strong - moderate walking intervals interspersed with very light weight work. My max heart rate was 159 - much better than yesterday's, but still higher than I really wanted.

Thanks Sandrelle and Karen for your comments. The positive support means a lot.

This is quick - I'm WAY out of shape

2011-08-16T18:10:00.000-04:00

So, I wore my heart rate monitor on my walk today. It's been a while since I walked in the neighborhood, which is called Mountain Creek for a reason. My heart rate got up to 173 with the first hill. I'll be 50 in December. You do the math. Yep - I slowed down and decided to just enjoy the walk as much as I could.

I am feeling dizzy and a bit light headed. Like I used to feel after one of my grueling work out sessions from before. The heart rate monitor is being used now to stop feeling like that so the next time I walk, I'll take it a bit easier and not do any "intervals" on the flat part before the hills.

Consistency & Retuning

2011-08-07T15:33:00.000-04:00

I see myself following the same old patterns - doing well and then forgetting. The past few days I've felt bloated and heavy. Not as light as I had been feeling. But I'm aware - and retuning* to asking the important question "is this going to make me feel heavy or is this going to make me feel light?"

* I meant to type returning but I actually like retuning. All musical instruments need to be tuned and retuned and in my case - so does my mind. And I can retune without guilt.

I got up and worked out this morning - first time in a while. And for the first time in well over a year, I wore my heart rate monitor. I had a goal for wearing it - I wanted to make sure I didn't push myself too hard. I used to push hard and harder and even harder - looking for the calorie burn. I know for a fact that my completely giving up exercise and healthy movement is a backlash from abusing my body that way. So, I did get above range a few times - used that as a cue to retune (gees, I love this analogy) and reduce my intensity. The result - I have an average heart rate of 139 bpm for 58 minutes. And I don't feel wiped out and icky.

I'm still working on Noaa's blanket - it's really quite easy now that I'm getting the hang of it. I've never picked up stitches before - and I know it's not perfect. But Noaa is not going to care.

And I'm reading The Writing Circle by Corinne Demas and the complex characters have definitely intrigued me. So much that I'm about to sign off writing here and pick up the iPad to return to reading.

But before I do - does anyone have any suggestions for cooking swiss chard? I have the recipe for my first ever tasting of this beautiful green. I am hoping I love it for it's taste as much as I do for it's color - and if I do, then I think I shall be wanting to cook it quite often.

An Awe-filled weekend

2011-08-02T15:44:00.000-04:00

Today is my husband's birthday and to celebrate, we spent to extra days at our haven in North Georgia. We splashed around in the swimming pool - and I experienced a first: I skinny dipped. I now understand the appeal and plan to be butt naked in my swimming pool as often as possible. Thankfully where we live is very secluded!

As I sipped my coffee each morning, I watched hummingbird wargames at their feeder. My goodness those little buggers are fast. It's hard to believe how this beautiful little bird whose image is often used to invoke tranquility can be so very aggressive! It must have something to do with getting all the energy necessary to make their annual flight across the Gulf of Mexico. Until then, I'll enjoy watching their wargames.

And then there was Baby. Baby is a black bear. About 250 lbs of black bear and he (we think & hope) has a major penchant for sunflower seeds. And if you haven't guessed already, D and I feed the birds - black sunflower seeds. We figured he was a nocturnal to dawn thief and didn't think anything at all about traipsing off our porch to go get a bite to eat. We had one surprised bear, 2 surprised humans and one very dead bird feeder. We'll find another bird feeder - one that is hopefully a bit more bear proof. I don't care if Baby noshes our birdseed as long as he remembers to run away when we surprise him. The image of this incredibly powerful animal trotting off to the border of our yard, every once and a while looking to see if we were still there, will be forever with me. I am in in total awe of Baby.

This is not Baby - but you can get the picture...

And at this moment, I'm in awe of myself too. For the past few days, I have actually listened to my body and paid it attention. I put my fork down. More than once.

It is my hope that as D and I spend more and more time with the bears, hummingbirds, deer, and frogs, that I will never lose the awe I have of them.

I can have as much as I want

2011-07-30T14:01:00.001-04:00

Last night, D and I were talking about family and I mentioned that my maternal grandfather was the only one who loved me unconditionally. I related the story of how he caught raiding my grandmother's Christmas goodies and instead of jumping my case about it he asked, "Sure does taste good, doesn't it, honey?" It was so different from the shaming remarks my mother would have made had she been the one who had caught me. And of course, that is the reason I was sneaking to begin with.

Back to last night - after I relayed the story, it hit me that I later felt like I had to sneak love and that perhaps I was sneaking "love" when I was a child too. D was about to start "helping" me by offering his opinion and I stopped him. I told him I had to get my head around some things and that I did that by writing. Which I did a few minutes ago.

And what I discovered was that for the sneak eating, I really did not have to delve deeply into why I did it as a child. I did it because I was constantly being told I couldn't have as much of whatever food it was that I wanted.

Why I did it back then doesn't matter except that I can learn more about myself now as I explore why I do it now. There's really not that much to explore. I sneak eat for the same reason I did back then: I'm rebelling against anyone who tells me what to eat, how much to eat, or to stop eating.

But the thing is, I CAN eat as much food as my BODY wants. Not my head or my mouth, but my body.

I've listening to Geneen Roth's Women, Food, and God during my commutes to and from work. I love listening to her - she's so calm and funny and real. Ive found myself actually listening to my body and trying give it what it wants, not what my head uses to swallow feelings. And in feel lighter spiritually than I have in a very long time. I'm happy. I like that.

I highly recommend another book for one women's insights as she makes peace with herself after weight loss: After the Before and After by Karen Anderson. I also recommend Geneen Roth's books.

Cleaning

2011-07-24T15:07:00.000-04:00

When I returned to the work force after about a 9 month break, my husband, then boyfriend, insisted I hire a maid. I interviewed two services and liked both. I chose the one I'm currently using because the owner seemed to have an interest in our cats - other than wondering how much "in the way" they were going to be while she cleaned.

My husband and I are not messy people and we clean after ourselves and my once a week housecleaning that I did when I wasn't working took me about 4 hours - with a couple of short breaks. That allowed for deep cleaning in one room and maintenance cleaning in the rest of the house. The rotation worked well. (Thanks FlyLady!)

When my maid first started, I was pleased as could be - she cleaned as well as I did. And she's a sweetie - when my back was out last year, she offered to go to the store, run errands, etc for me. I'm not sure her boss would have approved, but I very much appreciated the offer even though I didn't need to take her up on it. When Harry died (seems like our cats die on cleaning day), D met her at the door and explained that she would not be able to clean upstairs (where Harry was). Instead of cleaning downstairs and leaving - she rearranged her schedule and came back the next day to clean the entire house. She has a heart of gold.

Her boss, on the other hand, seems to think it's OK to work her maids on national holidays. She also seems to think that S can clean my house in one and a half hours. And we've noticed things starting to really slip - dust build up on our dining room furniture, etc. I once asked S if she needed to come a different day so she could work longer in our house. She said no.

After this weekend, I'm afraid I have to take a more assertive stance. I cleaned the dining room furniture and the kitchen cabinets thoroughly. It became painfully clear that she's not even wiping down the faces of the cabinets and there was a dust build up on the dining room chairs. I know she can't do a deep clean every week, but she was there on Thursday - there should not have been dust on those chairs on Saturday!

So, me and my Old English friend became reacquainted. And I have to say - I love how the kitchen cabinets are gleaming. What I didn't like was how nauseated I felt when I finished this morning. To much Old English fumes? How could the smell of lemon oil make me ill?

Anyway, I'm torn. I don't want to fire my cleaning service and hurt S. I don't care about her boss - but if I quit the service, it will ultimately hurt S. And I have to say, I've missed the satisfaction and almost instant reward of cleaning. Done with some elbow grease, it gets the heart rate up a wee bit, too!

For now, I plan to leave S a note on cleaning day - if I could arrange to work remotely that day, I would but Thursdays are difficult to be remote. So - the note is going to tell her what I found and that I think she's not being given enough time do everything and offer again, to change days. If we do end up having to stop the service, I think I may try keeping house myself. I did so like those gleaming cabinets.

Procrastination

2011-07-22T07:14:00.001-04:00

As I typed that, I heard Carly Simon in my head and I can't even think of the song. Oh well. My CRS is acting up lately. But I'm procrastinating - it's Friday and I'd rather not work today.

I didn't let myself get terribly depressed about something this week. I ordered a beautiful dress from Talbots - in a size I haven't had to wear in about more than 5 years. And it didn't fit. The shoulders fit. The back fit. The bodice fit. The front part of the skirt did not fit and it had some to do with my size, but much more to do with my body shape and having some excess skin - that's filled back up some. I have a belly. A major belly. I had one at my happy weight too and that dress in the size I wore at my happy weight probably would not have looked good anyway.

The thing is, we're celebrating my father's birthday on August 27th. In the sand hills (sort of) of South Carolina. It will be hotter than three hells there. I need a nice dress that is on the dressy side for dinner, but not so dressy I can't wear it to work. I'm going to have to go shopping and I HATE shopping.

But the real point is that I understood it was more the cut of the dress than my size that made it not work. That really is progress.

Little Successes

2011-07-21T18:07:00.000-04:00

Out to lunch two days in a row - I ordered salad yesterday - dressing on the side please. And salad today. Today's salad may have been a mistake - I didn't get the dressing on the side and it seemed to be on the sweet side. And I did order a cup of black bean soup. That's cause tonight is no dinner night. I just had a carb control bar.

But the little successes feel good. And more importantly - I feel better.

Salads = Feeling Better

2011-07-20T06:56:00.000-04:00

I've had two days with salad for my lunch and my digestive system is already feeling better. I don't feel so bloated and icky. Yay!

On the sugar front - I said no to a cupcake yesterday. Yay. I didn't say no to an ear of roasted corn and a slice of cantaloupe - and the blood sugars were slightly elevated this morning. Sigh. Some of my favorite summer foods - healthy ones at that - are gonna make me ill one day?

And the Million Bells - doesn't look so good since D took over. I'm not going to fight him on this. But I know it will not bloom unless it gets hours of full sun each day.

And I finished a scarf last night. Well, almost finished. The knitting part is done. I have to weave in some ends and then block it. I can't wait to see the true finished project. It's gorgeous unblocked and I have a feeling the blocking is going to make it even better.

And I'm putting off going to work. Guess I'd best stop that.

Sweets - not so much

2011-07-18T06:51:00.001-04:00

And corn too. That makes me sad - I love fresh corn roasted on the grill.

But, I've been checking my blood sugar levels routinely each morning and find the spike if I eat sweets (like half of D's piece of buttermilk pie at lunch yesterday) and corn. Amazingly, so far, rice and pasta don't have that much of an impact on it.

So, I'm gonna limit sweets for a while and continue to monitor the glucose levels.

And I've decided to work with the heat instead of against it - I really want cold foods for my meals. And they need to be easy. Um - can anyone say SALAD? What can be easier than salad for lunch?

Eat in Public Wednesdays

2011-07-13T06:56:00.000-04:00

This is a weight related blog - just because I feel the need to write a little and set my intention.

Slow Down Tuesday last week didn't work so well. It seems to me that I remember what I'm supposed to do AFTER I do what is not good for my body. But last night, I stopped myself in mid lick when one of Geneen Roth's guidelines popped in my head: Eat with the intent of being seen.

D had made a wonderful rosemary mustard sauce - cream based. And I was indulging in sneak eating as I cleaned. Until that rule popped in my head. And I actually stopped - I didn't wait until today. I stopped mid-lick. That rule resonated.

So today, I will eat as if I'm eating in public, even if I'm alone at my desk.

Update on the Million Bells - I so wish D hadn't decided HE had to save it. He won't listen to me and I know it needs more sun than it's getting. It's not looking very happy.

Can it be saved?

2011-07-09T10:14:00.000-04:00

On a whim, I bought two beautiful hanging baskets of Million Bells to enjoy on our porch by the creek in the mountains. The flowers were abundant and quite beautiful and I really enjoyed having them on the porch. I had read that Million Bells require full sun so when we left that weekend, I put the plants in full sun, watered them well and asked the lady who takes care of the house to drop by and water them during the week.

Upon my return for the girl's weekend - both baskets were fried. I almost wrote them off as a bad idea but I saw life in one. I picked off all the dead flowers and watered it and it perked up. I brought it home with me so it could have more regular water and TLC. The other basket I thought was beyond hope, but I watered it well regardless. The next time D and I went to the mountains, it showed signs of life so I cut away almost all of the plant and brought it home with us.

So, first plant really starts looking great. Until D decided to put back out in full sun (they can't tolerate the heat we've been having in GA) and it stayed there over the 4th of July weekend with no water. Oops. So we're back to trying to save both plants.

At least it's an interesting project and one full of hope.

And for an uplifting post about human nature - read this entry from the Perrenial Plate blog: Small Town Goodness

A quick rant- typical southern food DOES NOT make you fat!

2011-07-06T07:06:00.002-04:00

I got a little bent out of shape yesterday - once again traditional southern food has been touted as the cause for obesity. It's not.
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Slow Down, Eat and Be Kind Tuesdays

2011-07-05T17:44:00.003-04:00

For the next 8 weeks, I’m going to focus on an aspect of Marc David’s The Slow Down Diet – incorporatingwisdom form Geneen Roth’s Women, Food and God and Jean Fain’s TheSelf Compassion Diet. Though diet is in the title of David’s and Fain’s books – they are not dietbooks. They are books filled withinformation and suggestions on how to reach a healthy weight without the stressmost standard diets produce. Thesuggestions they provide are more about creating peace with oneself which opensup the mind to possibilities of eating for nourishment.

Wildlife

2011-07-04T14:37:00.001-04:00

D and I spent a relaxing weekend at our mountain retreat - lots of time to knit, and knit and knit. And when I wasn't knitting - I spent time pretending to wage war on weeds.
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More changes

2011-07-01T07:50:00.004-04:00

I'm changing the blog somewhat. I'll still post rambling thoughts about weight management, but they may not (hopefully won't) be the sole focus of this blog. I have other interests - I enjoy cooking, reading and knitting and I'm learning about taking care of plants - annuals and perennials. But no one ever hears about those things from me. Instead they hear whining and complaining about weight management. Or my latest and greatest approach to weight management. It has been the sole focus of my life since I was about 8 years old. When things didn't go well, I blamed my weight. And I stopped living.
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Busy Day

2011-06-19T15:51:00.001-04:00

So I wasn't so busy yesterday - but I've made up for it today! I got up this morning and started cooking:

baked kale chips (a la Jaques Pepin)
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Quiet Saturday

2011-06-18T08:51:00.001-04:00

This is the first weekend I've been at home in a month! And I have tons to do, but I'm making it a quiet weekend regardless. I need some quality downtime with just me and then some with my hubby.

Michelle, I do hope you found the comment I left for you. Your comment made me sad for you and do hope that you find a way to learn to be kind to yourself on this journey.
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For Michelle

2011-06-15T07:10:00.000-04:00

Michelle, you left a comment on my Punishing Myself with Food post from 2009. I've left a comment for you there.

Being Kind To Myself

2011-06-13T17:59:00.001-04:00

This is simply a reminder to myself:

It is cruel to wear clothing that is too snug and makes me feel like a stuffed sausage.

My skirt fit - slightly snug. My blouse was snug, too tight in the arms and across the shoulders. The belt turned into a boa constrictor around my waist. I got crabby and just didn't feel attractive at all today.

It is kind to to wear clothing that is comfortable, fits well and makes me feel confident.

You know, I've always had a reputation of being sweet, simply because most people mistake being courteous and thoughtful with being sweet. Not so much on that - I'm hardly sweet. And on the other extreme, I'm hardly cruel either. I go out of my way to not be cruel to others. So why am I so cruel to myself?

That belt is retired until my waist is ready for it. My waist did not deserve being constricted and pinched all day. And I'm not doing that to it (or me) again.

Good weekend

2011-06-13T06:41:00.000-04:00

D and I left Thursday evening for North Georgia instead of Friday morning. This did something really wonderful for me - it eliminated the stress I usually feel trying to get my hours made up at work. We got up there in time to relax Thursday evening and then work all day on Friday. Working looking out the window at my beautiful creek!

He and I also talked a lot about my weight gain and some other things. I've ordered a glucose monitoring kit and will start measuring my blood sugars each morning for a while. We want to get a better idea of which foods (or drinks) cause the most impact.

Better yet, we actually checked in with each other before automatically preparing and eating dinner on Friday. The result was that we skipped dinner and I was fine with it.

And I played with flowers, went to the farmer's market (scored a huge back of kale for $1!), and basically just enjoyed a good relaxing weekend.

Tough Day

2011-06-07T22:40:00.002-04:00

I woke up sometime in the wee hours yesterday morning with the big toe joint throbbing. I ignored it and even went on to do Leslie Sansone despite the dull throb of that big toe joint. < /br>

That made the gout angry, and there was no ignoring it today!

Have I mentioned that I'm quite bitchy when I'm in pain? It's not one of my better traits and I do try to control it. Not so much this morning when work hit me out of the blue with crap. Let's just say that I was not in the running for Ms. Congeniality.

Sigh. The cost of forgetting to start my day with kindness? Vanilla ice cream. At least a cup.

And I spent this evening being kind to myself. And it's better.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Work is busy

2011-06-06T18:13:00.001-04:00

And I stuck to my guns. I told people I was leaving at 4pm and the ones who decided that I wasn't serious found out I was. "No, I'm sorry - I can't get that for you. I've just shut down and I have to leave." She wasn't happy. But I was - leaving on time gave me:

An easier commute home
Time to hit the grocery store
Time to move my body with Leslie Sansone (2 miles from the 5 Advanced CD)
And peace of mind

I have to work a little tonight, but that will be OK.

Had a great weekend - a girlfriend and I had a girls' weekend at Coosa Creek. Much fun - lots of talking, some good girlie food, some good wine, some shopping and some walking! Uphill walking! My friend and I walked the paved footpath from the parking lot at Brasstown Bald to the top- we climbed about 500 feet in .6 miles! It was steep and I took my time and made it. Yay me! And thanks to A for encouraging me to keep going!

http://www.georgiatrails.com/gt/Brasstown_Bald_Trail

Lots of baby steps today

2011-06-01T18:04:00.000-04:00

I left work sort of on time for once. And when I got home, I announced to D that I was going to do something novel: workout. A real, honest to God, sweat-making workout.

For the first time since I started losing weight, Leslie Sansone was hard. And I feel really good about sticking with it and getting two miles in. Stupid pedometer only registered 3 miles.

And I made a decision about journaling. It's gonna be a bit too hard to start a regular practice each morning. So - I will journal on the weekends and do sun salutations every morning. That's my plan and I start tomorrow morning.

Acknowledgements of what I did well today:

1. Ate more slowly
2. Paid more attention
3. Reminded myself I could be hungry for an hour
4. Worked out
5. Really enjoyed 2 Godiva gems. (dark chocolate, of course)

June 1st Weigh-In

2011-06-01T06:44:00.001-04:00

Looks like I'm going to start weighing myself daily again. It truly is best for me. I stepped on the scale this morning only after repeating to myself:

May I be safe

May I be happy

May I be healthy

May I be at peace

I wanted to calm and comfort myself before seeing the number. And I needed (and did) calm and comfort myself after seeing the number. And today, I repeat what I did yesterday - I eat healthy portions of good food and walk as much as I can.

The number - it's over on the right column.

While on vacation...

2011-05-30T15:07:00.000-04:00

and enjoying a quiet afternoon and trying very hard to not beat myself up for having eaten too much crap, I ran across The Self Compassion Diet on Amazon. I know, I know - another book. And because I know a book is not the magic pill, I did not buy it. I came home and did a bit of research on the author - Jean Fain. I found this video, which makes mindless eating incredibly unattractive.

What I'm reading....

2011-05-30T08:39:00.000-04:00

First - thanks, Sunny, for the comment. I'm still considering my options. If I felt like I would get a good enough moderate walk in at 5 AM, I'd get up to do that - make it a walking meditation, which may work as well as journaling does. But I know me, getting up to journal is pleasant, not that stressful. Getting up to walk can be stressful. And of course, not getting enough sleep is already a concern. So - it will be a measured decision.

In the meantime, I wanted to let y'all know about a great blog I've found about weight management: A Weight Lifted. It is published by the Green Mountain at Fox Run weight loss facility and the focus of the blog (and the facility) is to bring more of a balance to our weight management practice.

Today's post was helpful to cement my new approach in my head: Overcoming Binge Eating: Moving from Self-Loathing to Self-Care. D and I started a conversation about my weight gain. He sees that I am unhappy about it and that I've been beating myself up about it. True on both points. My weight gain to me is the same as having my psyche beaten to a bloody pulp. And when I think about it, I my stress levels go up and I want to eat more. That vicious cycle. I recognize it and am certain that the steps I need to take include compassionate self-reflection, compassionate healthy eating and compassionate consistent movement.

Another post in the same blog, Food Obsession - When Food Thoughts Take Over, helped me realize that my life has been totally out of balance. I've been obsessed with diet and weight management to the point that very little else has been in my life. I'm exploring options there. I love to knit and I love to read. I'm already doing more of those. I also love beautiful flower gardens and I have the opportunity to learn to care for some already established ones at our property in North Georgia:

And of course, feed the birds, and the bear...

The picture was safely taken from my kitchen window. I can't begin to describe the awe I felt for the bear. How such a powerful animal can look so darn cute is beyond me. I know that if I respect him, he'll leave me alone. But trust me - there will be no food left laying around!

Making time for me

2011-05-27T13:59:00.000-04:00

I started to call this post "Finding Time" and then it hit me, I must MAKE the time I need for myself. Getting up at 5 AM to have time for reflection and some gentle stretching seems ideal, but not all that realistic or sustainable.

Lately, I've become interested in nurturing and compassionate guides to weight loss. I think that however I choose to make time for myself, it needs to also be nurturing and compassionate: it can't cause more stress.

I want to cultivate two habits for myself. One is a old friend: journaling. The other is a new one, but one I've been thinking about: practicing Sun Salutations every morning. Journaling helps keep me centered. The way I did it before was based on Julia Cameron's "morning pages" as described in The Artist's Way. Basically, I'd write, ink and paper, please, whatever thought came to mind. No editing, no censoring. I did this every morning, filling at least 3 regular sized pieces of notebook paper. I turned it into a ritual with soft music, incense, candles and coffee. It was a wonderful way to start my day. It was also a very time- consuming way to start my day. I don't have 45 minutes per day to devote to that ritual. But, I could cut down to one page or 20 minutes each morning. Followed by the Sun Salutations. But when? Before work would be optional. And I'm back to that 5 AM thing again.

Maybe I need to rethink my roadblock. Is a few more minutes of sleep worth more than the benefit I get from journaling and practicing a very mindful and awakening yoga routine?

On vacation

2011-05-25T09:43:00.000-04:00

And not blogging! Obviously. Had a few bad food days but am returning to a state of self-compassion. And I just ordered 2 books on gardening. Our place in the mountains has some gorgeos perennial beds that I must learn to care for

Today was better

2011-05-16T22:43:00.000-04:00

I'm on the iPad, so this will be short.First, thanks so much to Rebecca,Sandrelle and Sunny for taking the time to post comments. Your encouragement helped!Today's credits:1. Ate my planned food2. Wore my pedometer3. Somehow got elected team captain for my walk challenge team4. Remembered & executed eating distraction tactics: walking & talking!5. Honored my choice to not have my evening cocktails.That's enough for today.

Still Considering

2011-05-15T15:30:00.000-04:00

And simplifying. I can at least do that much for myself.

I know I will post at least once month. I'm weighing myself monthly now and I will update my weight monthly.

I just realized I've allowed myself to become so overwhelmed that I'm not even acknowledging the small things I do each day to promote my health. Right now, I shouldn't be taking any of my positive steps for granted.

So - here's a shout out to ME for some things I've done in the recent past to promote a healthy me:

1. Joined a walk challenge at work - we begin tomorrow.
2. Planned my breakfast and lunch for the coming week
3. Gave myself permission to take a shortcut - I bought yogurt (Fage, YUM) instead if making my own
4. Remembered to boil eggs for the week
5. Took some time to read some positive blogs about life balance

And lastly - I let myself feel some anger about this. Mainly I'm angry at myself, but I wasn't allowing myself to feel it. I've rationalized my way to an extra 30 lbs and have given the nay-sayers more ammo to say weight management doesn't work. I've allowed myself be on the wrong side of the statistic and I promised myself I wouldn't do that. I've disappointed myself.

And now, I'm ready to start taking care of myself - first.

Thanks to Sandrelle and Sunny for your wise and kind encouragement. It's appreciated.

Considering

2011-05-14T09:11:00.001-04:00

I'm wondering if I should end this blog. I started it about a year after I lost almost 70 lbs and had maintained the loss. My goal was to help others with maintenance. And here I am 4 years later, struggling with a 30 lb gain. I didn't help myself!

Right now the blog feels more like work than a help. I get stressed that I'm not posting. Part of it is that I'm rarely at my home computer. I may be on it 1-2 hours per week. I use my iPad to read blogs and write very short emails. I don't like it for posting to the blog.

Also, I can be a good writer, but I'm not fast at it. It takes time for me to write what I think will be a meaningful blog post.

So, I'm leaning towards ending the blog. At the same time it feels like I may be cutting a lifeline.

Slow Down Week 1

2011-05-01T16:04:00.000-04:00

Exercises from the Week1: The Metabolic Power of Relaxation (The Slow Down Diet by Marc David)

1. Give yourself the gift of more time to eat at each meal. Eat in the sitting position and choose to not answer the phone, read/answer emails (or blogs), or engage in any form of work while you dine.

What are my roadblocks to this?

1. I don't take a lunch hour. I get to work between 7:30 and and 8 AM and work while I eat breakfast and lunch so I can leave at 4 - to miss traffic. I also build up time so I can enjoy 1 lunch hour per week with my hubby.

How can I remove this roadblock? Get to work at 7 AM so I can take a 1/2 hour lunch break. I will get up earlier and be ready to leave the house by 6:30 AM - or if I'm riding to work with D, start working at 6:30 AM.

2. Primary Task: Become a slow eater. Change the focus from what to eat to HOW to eat.

Answer the following questions:

Do I tend to eat more when feeling anxious? Do I eat less at those times? Does it depend on the situation?
What kinds of circumstances prompt me to eat this way? Certain times of day? Certain settings? Work? Family?
Approximately how often do I eat under stress?
Do I tend to eat certain foods when feeling stressed out? List as many of these foods as I can? Which ones do I eat the most?
Do I feel full after stressful eating or do I feel hungry? Are there common physical symptoms?
How much time do I take to eat when feeling stressed? Do I taste my food? Do I chew it or shovel it down?

Think about meals when I've been relaxed while eating. How often does this happen?

3. Exercise: Check in and breathe at every meal - ask these questions before eating

Am I about to eat under stress?
Is my mind in high gear?

Take ten slow deep breaths

4. Exercise: Breathe While You Eat - at least three times during a meal, ask myself "How is my breathing" Consciously deepen it with as little effort as possible.

Where did April go?

2011-05-01T09:15:00.001-04:00

I feel like I've lost a month. Too many doctors' visits, busy and then not busy at work, busy and then not busy at Coosa Creek, and then to top everything off - I got sick. For me - really sick. I am much better, but my ability to smell and tasted are still very impaired.

For several days this past week, I couldn't taste anything but sweet and salt. So what did I do? I ate sweet and salt. Obviously too much.

I gained 5 lbs in April. I feel it. I wasn't surprised.

I'm not making excuses. I ate too much.

The Slow Down Diet is easy. Just a few gentle guidelines - things to do before eating. Why the f___ can't I remember to do them until AFTER I've gulped down breakfast, lunch, that huge handful of potato chips, etc? This has been my nemesis from day 1.

I'm still convinced that the Slow Down plan (not calling it a diet) is the right way for me to eat. I'm a stress eater and I have too much, self-created, stress in my life. The plan helps alleviate it -if I remember to follow the simple steps. You know - like breathing.

So - here I am, May 1st. Seems like a good day to make a change. Here's what I'm thinking I can do for my work food - Put a note to myself on the top of each and every container of food I take to work. That note will list the 5 things I should do prior to eating. That's my goal for this week. I'll check in next week.

Too busy & now sick

2011-04-27T07:01:00.000-04:00

Lots going on, including being sick for the better part of a week now. I just haven't felt like posting.

Got Busy

2011-04-17T15:05:00.000-04:00

I think I need to find a way to post just a little check-in every day. Otherwise, before I know it - weeks have gone by with no updates.

I went to the doc this week - annual female type exam along with fasting blood work. Blood work with some interesting results.

My potassium levels were WAY too high. I have idiopathic cyclic edema (unexplained swelling in my ankles and sometimes hands). The best treatment for this condition is spironoloactone. Recently my doc and I decided to double the dosage. Spironoloactone is a potassium sparing diuretic. I had been supplementing (obviously, incorrectly) with potassium. When we doubled the dose, I immediately started having deep muscle cramps in my legs, muscle fatigue, back aches, queasiness, etc. D and I did some research and stopped the potassium supplements immediately and I made sure to tell the doc to check the potassium levels when the blood work was done. The result - the levels are still way too high. Most of the symptoms have subsided. I still have the cramping and fatigue, but the queasiness and back aches are gone. The doc called Friday night - go back to my normal dose of spironoloactone. Sigh. Playing with dosage means more blood monitoring, which is a major pain.

But more interesting was that my calcium (blood calcium, not bone calcium) was high. Additionally, my Vitamin D levels are low. Doc and I need to talk about this.

And still even more interesting- my fasting blood sugar and A1C levels were normal. That's some great news.

The lipid panel was another story. I'm concerned about the rising triglycerides level. It could be a function of my having gained weight. My triglycerides to HDL ratio was still good, so I'm not panicking.

That's it for me. No new insights. Just staying steady.

Gut Wisdom

2011-04-06T16:32:00.002-04:00

I'm slowly plodding through Marc David's The Slow Down Diet and one of the exercises was to quiet yourself with some deep breaths and then take an inventory of what foods work. Not in term of what the nutrition label says - but in terms of how you feel thinking about the foods, eating the foods and after eating the foods.
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Weird Monday

2011-04-04T15:13:00.002-04:00

It is all but dead in the office today. Boredom, I’ve decided, is a danger for me. My boss, along with about half of the company is on PTO today. No phone calls. Very little email. Very little instant messaging. Just plain wierd. And boring.

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Crying is cathartic

2011-04-03T15:41:00.002-04:00

For the first time since the weight gain started, I allowed myself to cry about it. Actually, my body didn't ask permission - the tears came and would not be held back. All because my doctor asked me why I hadn't lost any weight. There's no valid answer - just excuses. Mine as simple "I haven't had time." But the tears started when I followed that up with "I don't know if I'll ever lose this weight."
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It's time to make that donation!

2011-04-02T09:00:00.003-04:00

As I promised mid-February, once a month I will randomly choose one of my supporters who left a comment on my blog during the last month and make a $25.00 donation to his/or her selected charity.

Today is the first random selection: Sandrelle! Check out Sandrelle's inspiring, motivational, educational and giving blog: Keeping it OFF!
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Busy busy busy

2011-03-28T19:49:00.000-04:00

Reading novels. The Help by Kathryn Stockett. So very good. And some Nora Roberts. I can't help it - I've always loved romance novels.

Slow down & breath

2011-03-15T11:21:00.002-04:00

First off - Kelly - thanks for checking in with me. Yes - I am still drinking my water. I followed delayed eating in a haphazard fashion - but I did allow myself to feel hunger a few times. I do tend to post updates over in the Goals section but I have been a bit lax of late.
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I cooked dinner

2011-03-07T20:07:00.000-05:00

Mark Bittman let me down. I don't know if it was a typo, but chicken does not brown ir even get done, for that matter, in15 minutes in a 325 degree oven. I knew that. D tells me to always follow the recipe exactly, the first time I try it. Since I rarely do that and D invariably finds something wrong with what I cooked, I decided to try it his way. Halfway through, I pulled the chicken out the oven, and browned it up in a skillet, deglazed the pan with the sauce Mr. Bittman had me concoct: chicken stock with parsley and dill. Then I added lemon juice and reduced it to a demi-glaze. And then I sinned; I added a splash of heavy cream. It was the D influence.

Anyway, despite having to rescue the chicken, dinner turned out OK and I enjoyed being in the kitchen preparing real meal food instead of yogurt or snacks.

Chinese Style Marinated Celery and Carrots

2011-03-06T14:18:00.002-05:00

Have I mentioned that I have a long-distance, one-sided, completely unrequited crush on Mark Bittman?

I loved his Bitten column in the NY Times (now changed to a food/dining column I don't like so much), his book Food Matters, and I finally splurged and purchased the How to Cook Everything iPad app. For an app, it's a bit pricey: $9.99 - but it is well done and I really like it. So much I'm thinking about gifting one to my mother. (I love that iTunes lets you do that).
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*@#$ Computer!

2011-03-06T10:51:00.002-05:00

I had a nice long blog post just about ready to submit and then somehow managed to delete the entire text and couldn't get it back!

So, here I go again - round 2. Let's see if I can actually post it this time.

D and I are on the backsides of our colds. Still some drippy noses, coughs and sneezes, but my head no longer feels like it should explode any second. I'm thankful!

I read a FREE ebook (Kindle or iBooks) yesterday - How to Lose Weight Without Dieting by David Nordmark. In terms of the food part, he offered nothing new. The main point was to lose weight, we have to stop eating when we aren't hungry. Duh. But he did offer a new way to look at it: Look at the wild animal kingdom - how many unnaturally fat animals do you see? I think hippos and rhinos are supposed to be a bit fat, but not lions and tigers and gorillas and monkeys, etc. Good point. What do they have in common? They don't eat if they don't need food. I am phrasing it a bit differently. I do think that wild animals may eat more than they need to satiate current hunger, but they eat to store food because they know it may be a few days before they get food again. They eat to meet that need, not the current hunger.
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Checking In

2011-02-28T12:28:00.001-05:00

While I didn't have great eating days last week, I did delay my eating (met that goal) and I drank my water (met that goal) and I posted my progress. So, I'm calling last week a success in my baby step journey back to my happy and healthy weight.

I don't plan to post my weight, but once a month - on the first of each month. My goal for March will be to lose 4 lbs and I will do this by weighing my food (when at home), choosing healthier options in restaurants, drinking my water and increasing my movement.

Of course, my first goal is to shake this crud so I actually feel like moving more.

Still sick

2011-02-28T08:44:00.001-05:00

Sigh. Not enjoying this at all. Stayed home today. Not even trying to work from hom. I need rest, but can't sleep.

Do I sound like I'm whining? That's because I am.

At Coosa Creek

2011-02-26T13:53:00.000-05:00

D and I are still sick, but we made the trek up GA 400 and over Blood Mountain on US 19 to escape the city. We can be sick here with peace and quiet or sick at home and feeling pressured to run errands, do chores, etc. The most I did today was some piddling in the yard - dead-headed a hydrangea like shrub and cleaned up the bed of lavender. The sun was warm, but with this cold moving into my chest, I didn't want to stay out too long.

I feel like I've done a fairly good job getting my head back in place with my eating.

Thanks for the recommendations for online food diaries. I chose one recommended by a friend at work - Calorie Count. www,calorieciount.about.com

My goal for the next week, will be to track my food intake every day - even the days I eat out. This is to get a ball park on what I eat. And to do this accurately, I will measure my food to. Not necessarily cutting back, but measuring. I think my eyeballing has become a bit too lax.

And I purchased an Omron HJ 303. So far I like it. My goal for the next week is to wear it every day and get a baseline on my daily steps. After that, I will increase each week's daily average by 1000 until I average 10,000 steps each day.

R, thanks dropping by and posting the link. I will definitely be doing some more soul searching. At this time, I can say that one of my intrinsic pay-offs when I eat and move in ways that are healthy for me is increased confidence.

Sandrelle, thanks for your encouragement. You remain a constant inspiration for me. Thank you - and best of luck with your fitness & diet class. If I lived in your area, I'd sign up!

Kelly and Stacy, thanks for the encouragement and support.

Still not well

2011-02-24T22:37:00.001-05:00

I'm blaming this cold on D. He got it work and gave it to me. And it's no fun.

Thanks for the well wishes, Kelly. My food choices weren't great, but I didn't graze all day,which is a major improvement from yesterday.

Sick...

2011-02-24T07:02:00.000-05:00

And yesterday sucked eating wise because of it. Need new comfort strategies.

Breakfast(ahem, I know better)
Coffee with sugar. 2 tsp and whole milk
Hunger:2	Focus:5	Pleasure:6

Lunch
Roast beef, green beans, field peas, roll, 1/2 blondie
Hunger:9	Focus:7	Pleasure:8

Dinner
Chicken with rosemary mustard sauce (sherry, rosemary, Dijon mustard, garlic, chicken stock, cream) White rice Salad with chopped broccoli an salad dressing Red wine
Hunger:10	Focus:7	Pleasure:7