Stinking Thinking

I've spent the last three years beating myself up and living in the future.  Why?  The elusive goal.  If I'm not busy hating myself for not making goal while I was on OPTIFAST, I've been projecting "I'll do this when I reach goal."  What's the result?  An unhappy, stagnant, and sometimes frantic Maura.

I say I want balance in my life.  It just hit me - that balance starts with my thinking. I've been so obsessed with failing to meet my goal that I haven't given myself credit for what I have accomplished - losing almost 70 lbs and more importantly - maintaining that loss.  To lose sight of what I have done and focusing on what I have failed to do only sets up that cycle that helped me eat my way to obesity to begin with: I eat for comfort.  The difference today is that at least, I burn off a good number of calories through added exercise.

I posted about my partner's concern over my "all or nothing" crazy thinking when it comes to exercise - or even keeping up with posts on MyFoodDiary.com.  His concern was that other people's neuroses were rubbing off on me and feeding my own addictions.  This time away (sort of) from MyFoodDiary, has helped me see that I've done a pretty good job at protecting myself from other people's 'stinking thinking', but I have completely polluted my own life with my perverted and hateful thinking about myself.

It just hit me that in the last 1 1/2 years, I've made three major changes in my life.  Prior to OPTIFAST, I would have easily gained at least 30 lbs through stress-eating my way through these changes.  I've gained 8 lbs.  Instead of focusing on how much more healthfully I generally cope with stress, I've been obsessing over the 8 lbs and causing myself much more stress.  I've not allowed myself to fully rejoice in the the positive changes I've made - all because I've slipped a little and because I've not met goal.

I need to think some more about what goal means to me and why I keep making sure it's elusive. But more urgently, I need to make sure that my fitness activities and eating restraint come from a place of peace and balance, not a frantic all or nothing, last-ditch effort - to lose 10 lbs.  I'm not sure exactly how to go about doing that, but I think asking myself "why" and "how will doing this? (or eating this?) engender peace and balance in my life?"

Enough for now.