I can have as much as I want

Last night, D and I were talking about family and I mentioned that my maternal grandfather was the only one who loved me unconditionally. I related the story of how he caught raiding my grandmother's Christmas goodies and instead of jumping my case about it he asked, "Sure does taste good, doesn't it, honey?" It was so different from the shaming remarks my mother would have made had she been the one who had caught me. And of course, that is the reason I was sneaking to begin with.

Back to last night - after I relayed the story, it hit me that I later felt like I had to sneak love and that perhaps I was sneaking "love" when I was a child too. D was about to start "helping" me by offering his opinion and I stopped him. I told him I had to get my head around some things and that I did that by writing. Which I did a few minutes ago.

And what I discovered was that for the sneak eating, I really did not have to delve deeply into why I did it as a child. I did it because I was constantly being told I couldn't have as much of whatever food it was that I wanted.

Why I did it back then doesn't matter except that I can learn more about myself now as I explore why I do it now. There's really not that much to explore. I sneak eat for the same reason I did back then: I'm rebelling against anyone who tells me what to eat, how much to eat, or to stop eating.

But the thing is, I CAN eat as much food as my BODY wants. Not my head or my mouth, but my body.

I've listening to Geneen Roth's Women, Food, and God during my commutes to and from work. I love listening to her - she's so calm and funny and real. Ive found myself actually listening to my body and trying give it what it wants, not what my head uses to swallow feelings. And in feel lighter spiritually than I have in a very long time. I'm happy. I like that.

I highly recommend another book for one women's insights as she makes peace with herself after weight loss: After the Before and After by Karen Anderson. I also recommend Geneen Roth's books.