Sunday, March 14, 2010

Thank heaven for my nail technician

Yesterday I had a pamper session with one of my favorite people - my nail/waxing friend.  She's sort of branched out on her own and works much closer to where I live, which is incredibly wonderful.  No more 30 minute commutes for a pampering session.

When I indulge and get a pedicure from K, I KNOW I'm going to get so much more than pretty feet that feel wonderful.  Oh, K does that part and does that part well.  What she does better is to listen and share her insights.  And boy howdy - she did that yesterday.

We were talking about some of my stresses and what is causing them.  One of the major stresses I can talk about on this blog is my having gained 15 lbs and feeling incredibly afraid I'm on my way to being obese again and that was one of the many things K and I talked about yesterday.  K talked about something that had happened in her life and how she had been advised that there's no 'getting over it', not 'letting go' - it would always be there and she could fight it or integrate it into her life.

Fight it or integrate it.  Fighting it is a never win proposition.  Integrate.  I like that sound of that.  And what is it that I need to integrate?  My loathing of my life when I was obese.  I journaled this morning and tried to think of aspects of my life that I liked during that period and only one came to mind - lack of structure.  And I realized I liked lack of structure because it gave me the freedom to continue to practice the bad habits that were so ingrained in my lifestyle.  So I struck that from the list and decided to tackle it from a different approach - what, specifically, didn't I like about my life:

Having no self-respect
Having no energy
Feeling helpless
Hating the way I felt
Hating the way I looked

That was enough.  So my assignment now is to turn this around. How can I integrate my fear of those five things into my life in a positive way?

1.  When I make a plan and stick to it - I feel self-respect.  That especially goes with food and exercise.
2.  When I eat healthfully and exercise moderately, I have tons of energy
3.  When I take care of myself, I don't feel helpless
4.  When I eat healthfully and exercise moderately, I generally feel good
5.  When I eat healthfully and exercise moderately, I generally like the way I look.

When I came off OPTIFAST, I was very structured.  My meals were always planned and packed.  I scheduled appointments around my exercise schedule.  There was little joy in my life though.  I was doing all these things out of fear rather than a mindset that I was capable of taking care of myself and deserved to do what I need to do to take care of myself.

Oh sheesh - it's more than the fear of being obese.  It's the fear of being found a fraud:  I'm still an obese woman disguised in a thin woman's body. That's it - I don't trust myself.  I've never really believed that I lost weight legitimately.   This is paralyzing me.

So that came out of left field and I need to process it.  

And now y'all know why I love K so much!  She spurs this level of thinking (and makes my feel feel great and look pretty!)

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