Sunday, April 3, 2011

Crying is cathartic

For the first time since the weight gain started, I allowed myself to cry about it.  Actually, my body didn't ask permission - the tears came and would not be held back.  All because my doctor asked me why I hadn't lost any weight.  There's no valid answer -  just excuses.  Mine as simple "I haven't had time."  But the tears started when I followed that up with "I don't know if I'll ever lose this weight."

We talked for quite a while.  She wants me to see a counselor and I told her no.  I definitely would benefit from having an objective ear to bend from time to time. But therapy is not in the picture for me.  I'd rather spend the money on a treadmill.

Health-wise, it is clear.  She is concerned that I've slipped back into full metabolic syndrome and am flirting dangerously with Type II Diabetes.  I have to go back for more blood work and will most likely have to start taking glucophage again.  I can live with it.   D and I are working on a food plan for us that can take into account very disparate dietary requirements.

One of the things she and I talked about was how I cannot remember a time in my life after the age of 8 or so, that I wasn't worried about my weight.  Talk about years of built up stress!  She agreed with me that it was unhealthy but made the very sad comment "It's most likely this way for almost all American women."

In my last post,  I mentioned reading the Slow Down Diet.  I'm probably still on week 1 in terms of exercise - breathing before meals and slowing down during meals.  But it's helped.  I try to make sure that if I'm stressed at meal time, to take a few deep breaths and force myself to eat more slowly.  It helps.  And what is really interesting is that without going hungry or feeling deprived - or desperate - I've started losing weight.

I'm continuing to work through the book.  I've ready so many books that prescribe slowing down while eating.  Some say just to do it. (Geneen Roth)  Others say how to do it (Thich Nhat Hahn and Lillian Cheung), but the Slow Down Diet gives a WHY that actually makes sense to me.  Slowing down and relaxing increases my enjoyment of food as well as increasing my bodies ability to absorb and use the nutrients I'm eating.  And that helps stop the cravings and desire to eat when I'm not hungry.

Crying helped.  Slowing down and relaxing is helping.  Still baby steps, and I feel so much better!

Also motivating is this webpage:  101 Revolutionary Ways to be Healthy

Some housekeeping notes:

I'll be posting updates on my accountability - and thanks for your support on the new page I just added at the top:  Keep Me Honest

Additionally, I'll continue to update my Reasons Why page as I discover more.


  1. Maura, I could relate to so much of what you wrote in this post. Since age 10 or 11 I've worried about my weight too. It's so physically and emotionally draining. So many days and nights crying for what I wanted to be...what I knew I could be, but never accepting what I was in the moment (until a few years ago).

    The struggle is never over, it's a constant battle but one that is worth fighting for. I'm fortunate that through my work they offer free counseling sessions for anything we need--might your work offer anything like that?

    Congrats on the baby steps and the 4 pounds lost--that is GREAT! You are a fighter and I know you won't give up. Crying is therapeutic. Hugs :)

  2. Thanks. I think I'm tired of the battling part. Reading The Slow Down diet has truly helped me start looking at my eating a different way. It's always been a war and for me, it's time to call for a peace treaty and find a way that doesn't invoke all the negative connotations I have about diet, my body, exercise, myself, etc. I'm ready to do this slowly and holistically.


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