Weekly Recap

I should probably do my recap on Sundays - but I think tomorrow is going to be a bit busy.

I'm thrilled - it's the first time in 2 years I've actually met my intentional movement goal.  I walked 5x this week.

And I ate my planned food.  And best of all -I'm feeling really good.

Here's next week's goal for intentional movement:

Goal for 6/4 - 6/10 - General goal - intentionally move in the mornings for at least 30 minutes 4-5x


Plan
Monday - Jari Love Strength Training
Tuesday - Rest
Wednesday - Walk
Thursday - Jari Love Strength Training
Friday - walk
Saturday - walk


And for food - I'll be planning and prepping my food for the week - concentrating on different types of salads for my lunches.  I'm thinking quinoa and barley as additions.

A Rainy Day and Some Reflection

So a couple of posts ago, I said I was going to be working on getting my mind back to it's right place.

And through raking I can't begin to tell you how many leaves and then moving those same leave, and learning my plan to naturalize daffodils in the perfect spot was not viable, I started to get there.  And yesterday on the Blue Ridge Parkway helped me get there a bit more.

I think keeping the mind in the right place is a daily exercise.  One I haven't really been doing for about three years.  Various reason, perhaps more excuses than reasons.  But the bottom line is that I let my mind get almost all the way back to "Old Maura."

Almost.  But there are some "Old Maura" patterns that I have successfully refused to fall back to: McDonald's for breakfast and lunch,  bowls of rice, grits or pasta for dinner.  Not no, but hell no.  So, right now, this very minute - I'm giving myself a pat on the back.  I have successfully drawn a line in the sand and not crossed it.

It's now time to move that line a little bit closer to where I ultimately want it to be.

And here's where the mind comes into play.  Relaxing as I have over the past few days, I've realized that a good bit of mind work is actually the result of doing, not thinking.  Oh boy howdy - do I love to think!  I'll think about my next plan to lose weight.  I'll think about my next plan to work out.  I'll think it. Say it. And then stop.

The line doesn't get moved back to where it needs to be for me to be healthy, happy and fit.  And I beat myself up.  I eat.  Rinse and repeat.

I've learned a lot in the past few years.  Set goals.  Exercise.  Acknowledge Success.  Be Grateful.  Practice Discipline.  Do everything mindfully.

And I've done none of it consistently.  I get bored or distracted or to be honest, just plain forget.  Then say Oh damn!

I have an appointment with an endocrinologist week after next.  I mentioned to my husband that I am truly hopeful she is going to be able to help me get rid of the hair on my face. (One of the symptoms of PCOS) His response was "I hope she can help you manage your weight.  You don't eat enough in my presence to weigh what you do."   Dear husband has promised to go with me to the doctor when I go to hear the results of the blood work.  At that time, I think he'll learn that hamburgers and hot dogs and pizza more than once or twice a year just won't work for me.  And he may also learn that white rice, bread and pasta are poison to someone with PCOS.  I've told him.  He doesn't believe it.  But that's another issue.

I decided that if the doc was going to be able to help me with my weight (and I hope that too), then she's going to need to know what I typically eat.   Ugh - a food log.

Yep.  A food log.   Here's me doing: I am committing to keeping a food journal from now until November 2nd.   I downloaded an app today - it's not a calorie counter app. It's a log to help me also keep track of hunger levels and how mindfully I eat.  I am committing to keeping my food journal in this app from now until November 2nd.

Hubby won't like it.  He doesn't like most weight management tools. But tough.  I took out my iPhone and took a pic of  my lunch today:  1/2 a grilled turkey and swiss on whole wheat with a cup of home made chicken noodle soup.  Lots of chicken, not so many noodles. Yum.

So, this post has been rambling.  I'll try to some it up here.  Getting the mind in the right place and keeping it there takes daily diligence.  I choose to practice that diligence now by keeping a food log every day.  And on the days I can - a few minutes of quiet introspection.

I sense the woman who gave me the advice recently has given up on me.  I am sorry about that if it's the case.  However, I'm not doing this for her or anyone else.  I'm doing this for me.  And dammit - I'm gonna do it my way.  And I'm going to succeed.

Stopping the Runaway Train

Yesterday was one of those days.  Before lunch I felt completely out of control with my work.  I know why and I finally found some time yesterday afternoon to come up for air and at least take a look at what was on my plate so I could feel comfortable that nothing was slipping through the cracks.

BUT... I didn't breathe through the process and I ate cookies from Jason's deli.  And later in the afternoon, I was about to grab another and, but wait... I stopped myself:  "No, you're not hungry and you don't really want that."   I think this is the first time I have ever stopped myself in that manner.

Scarfing down cookies that really aren't that great before assessing if I'm hungry definitely falls into the not good category.  Stopping myself from doing it again definitely falls into the good category.

Today's challenge:  even more delectable sweets that really are good.  I don't need them or want them right this minute.  And I'm putting up calendar reminders this morning to tell myself to breathe.  And I'm going to breathe myself right through not indulging in those sweets today.

An Awe-filled weekend

Today is my husband's birthday and to celebrate, we spent to extra days at our haven in North Georgia.  We splashed around in the swimming pool - and I experienced a first: I skinny dipped.  I now understand the appeal and plan to be butt naked in my swimming pool as often as possible.  Thankfully where we live is very secluded!

As I sipped my coffee each morning, I watched hummingbird wargames at their feeder.  My goodness those little buggers are fast.  It's hard to believe how this beautiful little bird whose image is often used to invoke tranquility can be so very aggressive!  It must have something to do with getting all the energy necessary to make their annual flight across the Gulf of Mexico.   Until then, I'll enjoy watching their wargames.

And then there was Baby.  Baby is a black bear.  About 250 lbs of black bear and he (we think & hope) has a major penchant for sunflower seeds.  And if you haven't guessed already, D and I feed the birds - black sunflower seeds.  We figured he was a nocturnal to dawn thief and didn't think anything at all about traipsing off our porch to go get a bite to eat.  We had one surprised bear, 2 surprised humans and one very dead bird feeder.  We'll find another bird feeder - one that is hopefully a bit more bear proof.   I don't care if Baby noshes our birdseed as long as he remembers to run away when we surprise him.  The image of this incredibly powerful animal trotting off to the border of our yard, every once and a while looking to see if we were still there, will be forever with me.  I am in in total awe of Baby.

This is not Baby - but you can get the picture...

And at this moment, I'm in awe of myself too.  For the past few days, I have actually listened to my body and paid it attention.  I put my fork down.  More than once.

It is my hope that as D and I spend more and more time with the bears, hummingbirds, deer, and frogs, that I will never lose the awe I have of them.

Good weekend

D and I left Thursday evening for North Georgia instead of Friday morning.  This did something really wonderful for me - it eliminated the stress I usually feel trying to get my hours made up at work.  We got up there in time to relax Thursday evening and then work all day on Friday.  Working looking out the window at my beautiful creek!

He and I also talked a lot about my weight gain and some other things.  I've ordered a glucose monitoring kit and will start measuring my blood sugars each morning for a while.  We want to get a better idea  of which foods (or drinks) cause the most impact.

Better yet, we actually checked in with each other before automatically preparing and eating dinner on Friday.  The result was that we skipped dinner and I was fine with it.

And I played with flowers, went to the farmer's market  (scored a huge back of kale for $1!), and basically just enjoyed a good relaxing weekend.

Work is busy

And I stuck to my guns.  I told people I was leaving at 4pm and the ones who decided that I wasn't serious found out I was.  "No, I'm sorry - I can't get that for you.  I've  just shut down and I have to leave."  She wasn't happy.  But I was  - leaving on time gave me:

• An easier commute home
• Time to hit the grocery store
• Time to move my body with Leslie Sansone  (2 miles from the 5 Advanced CD)
• And peace of mind

I have to work a little tonight, but that will be OK.

Had a great weekend - a girlfriend and I had a girls'  weekend at Coosa Creek.  Much fun - lots of talking, some good girlie food, some good wine, some shopping and some walking!  Uphill walking!  My friend and I walked the paved footpath from the parking lot at Brasstown Bald to the top- we climbed about 500 feet in .6 miles!  It was steep and I took my time and made it.  Yay me!  And thanks to A for encouraging me to keep going!

http://www.georgiatrails.com/gt/Brasstown_Bald_Trail

Lots of baby steps today

I left work sort of on time for once.  And when I got home, I announced to D that I was going to do something novel: workout.   A real, honest to God, sweat-making workout.

For the first time since I started losing weight, Leslie Sansone was hard. And I feel really good about sticking with it and getting two miles in.  Stupid pedometer only registered 3 miles.

And I made a decision about journaling.  It's gonna be a bit too hard to start a regular practice each morning.  So - I will journal on the weekends and do sun salutations every morning.  That's my plan and I start tomorrow morning.

Acknowledgements of what I did well today:

1.  Ate more slowly
2.  Paid more attention
3.  Reminded myself I could be hungry for an hour
4.  Worked out
5.  Really enjoyed 2 Godiva gems. (dark chocolate, of course)

Crying is cathartic

For the first time since the weight gain started, I allowed myself to cry about it.  Actually, my body didn't ask permission - the tears came and would not be held back.  All because my doctor asked me why I hadn't lost any weight.  There's no valid answer -  just excuses.  Mine as simple "I haven't had time."  But the tears started when I followed that up with "I don't know if I'll ever lose this weight."

Showing Up

I think one of the drawbacks to maintenance (or weight loss) is that it is easy to not give ourselves credit for anything less than perfection. I've recently discovered (Thanks to Refuse to Regain) an other maintainer's blog and he makes an excellent point that sometimes we need to give ourselves credit for just showing up. jack-sprat.net » Blog Archive » On with the show…

I can't count the number of times I joined and quit Weight Watchers during my obese years. I quit because I hadn't followed the program perfectly and I felt guilty and life got in the way and made it very easy to rationalize missing a meeting. And missing one meeting made it easier to skip the following week which made it easier to just say "what the hell" and give up.

I know Sandra from Keeping The Pounds Off is going through some rough medical issues right now that prevent her from maintaining the active life she loves. She gets credit for still showing up and practicing other weight management behaviors. (Do you hear that, Sandra?)

Just like I get credit for still showing up: I've made a renewed effort with a like-minded weight manager via a private 'coaching' blog. I'm posting my weight here. I'm acknowledging successes and areas that still need tweaking.

Is your life at a stage where just showing up can seem like a monumental effort? If so - give yourself credit for showing up. That's at least half the battle!

Stinking Thinking

I've spent the last three years beating myself up and living in the future.  Why?  The elusive goal.  If I'm not busy hating myself for not making goal while I was on OPTIFAST, I've been projecting "I'll do this when I reach goal."  What's the result?  An unhappy, stagnant, and sometimes frantic Maura.

I say I want balance in my life.  It just hit me - that balance starts with my thinking. I've been so obsessed with failing to meet my goal that I haven't given myself credit for what I have accomplished - losing almost 70 lbs and more importantly - maintaining that loss.  To lose sight of what I have done and focusing on what I have failed to do only sets up that cycle that helped me eat my way to obesity to begin with: I eat for comfort.  The difference today is that at least, I burn off a good number of calories through added exercise.

I posted about my partner's concern over my "all or nothing" crazy thinking when it comes to exercise - or even keeping up with posts on MyFoodDiary.com.  His concern was that other people's neuroses were rubbing off on me and feeding my own addictions.  This time away (sort of) from MyFoodDiary, has helped me see that I've done a pretty good job at protecting myself from other people's 'stinking thinking', but I have completely polluted my own life with my perverted and hateful thinking about myself.

It just hit me that in the last 1 1/2 years, I've made three major changes in my life.  Prior to OPTIFAST, I would have easily gained at least 30 lbs through stress-eating my way through these changes.  I've gained 8 lbs.  Instead of focusing on how much more healthfully I generally cope with stress, I've been obsessing over the 8 lbs and causing myself much more stress.  I've not allowed myself to fully rejoice in the the positive changes I've made - all because I've slipped a little and because I've not met goal.

I need to think some more about what goal means to me and why I keep making sure it's elusive. But more urgently, I need to make sure that my fitness activities and eating restraint come from a place of peace and balance, not a frantic all or nothing, last-ditch effort - to lose 10 lbs.  I'm not sure exactly how to go about doing that, but I think asking myself "why" and "how will doing this? (or eating this?) engender peace and balance in my life?"

Enough for now.

Acknowledgement And Gratitude

For the past two days, I've been reminded twice to remember how far I've come in my journey.  And the nutritionist I spoke with yesterday  morning commented on how I changed my life.  That felt great.  It helped me remember the vow I made to myself when I started this journey: I will not gain the weight back and I will do everything within my power to make sure that doesn't happen.  

I think I've mentioned the wonderful blog, Refuse to Regain.  If not, it's a fantastic blog and resource for people who have lost weight and for people who are losing weight.  Yesterday's post, Now vs Then, the author looked at the quality of her life prior to losing weight vs now. It made me think about the same thing.    

Some of the changes are obvious:  Clothing options are far greater now than they were then.   I can walk for miles now vs about 10 minutes at a time then.  You can see the dimple in my cheek when I smile now. Then you could barely see my eyes.  

Other changes are not so obvious:  I feel infinitely better now.  I have the energy to move and must move.  Then, moving meant shifting my lounging position on the sofa as I watched another television program.   Now, I don't know what's on TV.  Then, I had the schedule memorized.   Now, I have the confidence to state my opinion to my boss. Then, I kept my mouth shut and stayed resentful.  The result is that I'm now much more successful in my career.

But the most important change is how I feel about myself.  While I have moments where I wallow in self-pity and doubt (like last week),  for the most part, I really like myself.  I like the person who has emerged from the blanket of fat.  Then, I lived in a cesspool of self-pity.  I could not acknowledge anything positive about myself.   I've come to realize that it's better to be a little bit vain and risk getting called down on it by my mother than it is to be so paralyzed by despair and fear of failure that I stagnate.

And while, yes - I am the one who ultimately changed her life to lose the weight and keep it off, I couldn't have done it without the support of others:  my wonderful partner who has been there every step of the way, my family and friends, all the great people on MyFoodDiary, my doctor and other healthcare professionals who constantly remind me to acknowledge what I've done.   Thank you.

Keeping On Keeping On - Part 2

One of the reason I wrote about 'keeping on keeping on' last week was because I was talking to myself.  Reminding myself it's a daily thing. Automatic.  It takes time and effort - but so does brushing my teeth or taking a shower and I don't freak about those things.  Or get tired of doing them.  I just do them.  And get on with life.

What I haven't made too public - until today - is that my kinder, gentler approach to weight loss/management is not working.  Based on the numbers, it should be working.  And it's frustrating me to the point of hurdling me into a depression.

I went to the doctor today.  She agrees - I should be returning to my normal weight based on calories and exercise.  She does think my diet needs tweaking (less starch, more green) and I should consider upping my exercise time to 60 minutes a day on most days.  And I must include weight training.  Pilates is not enough.

Blood work was drawn.  A nutritionist was recommended.  And I'm still frustrated.

But - I'm going to go on keeping on.  I'm going to keep on track with my exercise and I'm going to keep on tracking my food intake.  But  - I'm going to up my calories just a bit, to make sure my body has the fuel it needs for the workouts.  

I'm going to try to be patient.  And I was reminded to look at what I have accomplished - I lost almost 70 lbs, and have maintained most of that loss for almost 3 years.  I AM on the right side of the statistics.  And I will keep on keeping on to make sure I stay there.

The Don't Go Hungry Questions

Since last May when I first heard about Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Thin" approach to losing weight and maintaining the loss, I've struggled with really understanding what it means to follow his golden rules:  

1. Eat What you want, not what you think you should eat
2. Eat ONLY when you are physically hungry
3. Eat Mindfully
4. Stop Eating when you are no longer physically hungry

The first rule always 'got' me.  How do I know what I REALLY want?  Left to my own device, cookies and cake usually pop to the top of the list.  But in reality, I don't really want cookies and cake - or not too much anyway.  The concept intrigued me.  I felt if I could master these rules then for once in my life, I would be free from my obsession with eating.   It didn't work.  I gained a few pounds that have stuck around like unwanted guests.

Then I read about Dr. Amanda Salisbury-Sains and her "The Don't Go Hungry Diet."   It advocates the same approach of eating what you want and only eating when you are physically hungry.  But she takes it further.  She provides great guidelines on how to assess your hunger and even better - how to determine what you really want to eat.  I call them "The Don't Go Hungry Questions"  and keep them high up on my left side bar as a visual reminder to ask myself these questions when I want to eat.

• 1. Am I hungry?
• 2. How will this food feel as I eat it?
• 3. How will this food feel right after I've finished eating it?
• 4. How will this food feel 1 hour after I eat it?
• 5. How will this food feel 2-3 hours after I eat it?
• 
  

Question # 5 was my A-HA moment.  So often my stomach would ache and feel painfully bloated about 3 hours after dinner.  Rightfully, I blamed it on eating too much, but I didn't stop the behavior the next day.  Once I started asking myself the Don't Go Hungry questions, I realize the amounts of food I was eating as well as WHAT I was eating were causing me to feel so badly.  And by consciously asking myself these questions prior to eating and while I'm eating, I am able to stop eating before it becomes too much and to make food choices that make my body feel good.

The result? My weight is heading back to the happy zone.  Mindfully. Slowly. Sustainably.  It feels good.

Give Credit Where Credit is Due

Sometimes it pays to revisit old posts.  I  just re-read one of my original posts to this blog - Some Answers.   In that post, I talk about my journey and initial shock of trying to manage real food when I came off OPTIFAST.   I found a website that, at the time, was called MasteringFood.com, and paid for their program.  Which, of course, I didn't do.  BUT.... I got some great advice. 

"Slow down.  BREATHE.   Give yourself credit for what you've accomplished."

Part of my struggle is that I continue to beat myself up for not ever reaching goal.   Guess what I just did?  I just set my goal on MyFoodDiary.com to 2 lbs less than what I weigh now.  You got it - I'm going to reach goal.  But that's another story.

Because I never reached goal, I struggle with acknowledging what I accomplished: I lost almost 70 lbs.  And for the  most part, I have maintained that loss for almost 3 years.  I've beaten the odds and it really is something for which I should be unconditionally proud.   I'm working on that.

In the meantime, I'm going to start practicing daily acknowledgement of what I've done well that day.  You'll see it in a side bar on here.