Stinking Thinking

I've spent the last three years beating myself up and living in the future.  Why?  The elusive goal.  If I'm not busy hating myself for not making goal while I was on OPTIFAST, I've been projecting "I'll do this when I reach goal."  What's the result?  An unhappy, stagnant, and sometimes frantic Maura.

I say I want balance in my life.  It just hit me - that balance starts with my thinking. I've been so obsessed with failing to meet my goal that I haven't given myself credit for what I have accomplished - losing almost 70 lbs and more importantly - maintaining that loss.  To lose sight of what I have done and focusing on what I have failed to do only sets up that cycle that helped me eat my way to obesity to begin with: I eat for comfort.  The difference today is that at least, I burn off a good number of calories through added exercise.

I posted about my partner's concern over my "all or nothing" crazy thinking when it comes to exercise - or even keeping up with posts on MyFoodDiary.com.  His concern was that other people's neuroses were rubbing off on me and feeding my own addictions.  This time away (sort of) from MyFoodDiary, has helped me see that I've done a pretty good job at protecting myself from other people's 'stinking thinking', but I have completely polluted my own life with my perverted and hateful thinking about myself.

It just hit me that in the last 1 1/2 years, I've made three major changes in my life.  Prior to OPTIFAST, I would have easily gained at least 30 lbs through stress-eating my way through these changes.  I've gained 8 lbs.  Instead of focusing on how much more healthfully I generally cope with stress, I've been obsessing over the 8 lbs and causing myself much more stress.  I've not allowed myself to fully rejoice in the the positive changes I've made - all because I've slipped a little and because I've not met goal.

I need to think some more about what goal means to me and why I keep making sure it's elusive. But more urgently, I need to make sure that my fitness activities and eating restraint come from a place of peace and balance, not a frantic all or nothing, last-ditch effort - to lose 10 lbs.  I'm not sure exactly how to go about doing that, but I think asking myself "why" and "how will doing this? (or eating this?) engender peace and balance in my life?"

Enough for now.

My Threshold Habit

Next month, I will be celebrating 3 years of successful  - for the most part - weight management after losing almost 70 lbs on OPTIFAST.  I'll post more about the ups and downs of the past year later.  Today's post is about my threshold habit: No McDonald's.  

First of all, what do I mean by threshold habit?  For me, it's a habit I identify with my life when I was fat.  It exemplifies that part of my life.  And it's a habit I refuse to practice - not even once. For me, if I make an exception, I'll be opening the door and inviting my former habits back into my life.   It's a threshold I will not cross.  

Why McDonald's?  Before I lost weight, several meals per week came from McDonald's. Almost daily, I'd stop and get a biscuit breakfast on the way to work.  And then a co-worker and I would go and get a 'value' meal for lunch.  The food was cheap and usually filled me up.  But if left me wanting more and I'd end up hitting the vending machine mid-morning and again mid-afternoon.  By giving myself the MickeyD's 'out', I allowed myself to not plan my food, prepare my food or take any type of responsibility for making sure I was eating healthy.  

So what did I do with all that time I wasn't preparing my food?  I was vegging out in front of the television or indulging my internet addiction.  I certainly wasn't spending the time exercising or even taking a walk to get fresh air.  I wasn't reading to enrich my mind.  I wasn't knitting to indulge my creative self. 

My life was flat dull and very blob-like.  

When I started OPTIFASt, I made a committment to myself that I would not gain the weight back. As I was going through the OPITFAST programl I had the opportunity to look at my life and make decisions about what worked and what didn't.  I realized that I would have to spend time preparing my food and exercising.  To make sure I stuck to that, I took McDonald's (or any fast-food, for the most part) off of my list of options.

And now, almost three and a half years later since I started OPTIFAST, I have not had McDonald's.  I go there to use the restroom when my partner and I are out and about, but that's it.  Eating at McDonald's for me symbolizes crossing the threshold back into a pattern of unhealthy habits.  And I won't go there.

What's your threshold habit?

MFD visitors  - please visit my old blog on MFD: Mindfully Being Healthy.  RealPeach has posted valuable information there regarding different forms of exercise: cardio, strength training, yoga and pilates.  

Two Topics - Accountability and Don't Go Hungry Questions - Revisited

Accountability 

Yesterday was a doozie when it comes to my eating.  I did everything like I did when I weighed 210 lbs.  I wanted to eat, I ate.   There are some exceptions:  I didn't hit the vending machine so I stuck to my boundary about not eating anything I didn't bring from home.  Another is that a much smaller quantity of food now makes me miserable.  That's it though.

I ate mindlessly.  I ate crap - real food, but not healthy food.  And by the time I went to bed last night, my stomach ACHED.   So not only did I have a sore back, I had an aching stomach.  Hmm - was I looking for balanced pain?   

No, I was looking for comfort in all the wrong places. By the time I got home from work, I was in real state of self-pity.   I indulged it big time.  Comfort food for dinner followed by cookie dough.   It expanded in my stomach and well....

Now for the big difference between now and 210 lbs.  I stepped on the scale this morning.  They were up 3 lbs.   I know I didn't eat enough to gain 3 lbs, but I probably did gain at least one.  The thing is - I held myself accountable for my actions.  Not stepping on the scales may have sent the message "I didn't weigh myself so what I ate last night doesn't count."   That is a very dangerous message and one that sends me on a slippery slide UP the scales.   My point is - pick at least one tool to use consistently that will give you feedback on your efforts.  Use that tool to hold yourself accountable.  It truly can make the difference between weighing 150 lbs or weighing 210 lbs.

Now for the Don't Go Hungry Questions.

I'm adding one:   Will this food still be with me 3 hours from now?   And if the answer is yes, I need to rethink eating it.   One thing I'm learning is that when I eat too much (even if only a little too  much) in one sitting, I will be  miserable for hours.   What I want to do is use that knowledge to stop the eating too much pattern.   I'd rather eat a little more often and have a happy tummy.

The Don't Go Hungry Questions

Since last May when I first heard about Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Thin" approach to losing weight and maintaining the loss, I've struggled with really understanding what it means to follow his golden rules:  

1. Eat What you want, not what you think you should eat
2. Eat ONLY when you are physically hungry
3. Eat Mindfully
4. Stop Eating when you are no longer physically hungry

The first rule always 'got' me.  How do I know what I REALLY want?  Left to my own device, cookies and cake usually pop to the top of the list.  But in reality, I don't really want cookies and cake - or not too much anyway.  The concept intrigued me.  I felt if I could master these rules then for once in my life, I would be free from my obsession with eating.   It didn't work.  I gained a few pounds that have stuck around like unwanted guests.

Then I read about Dr. Amanda Salisbury-Sains and her "The Don't Go Hungry Diet."   It advocates the same approach of eating what you want and only eating when you are physically hungry.  But she takes it further.  She provides great guidelines on how to assess your hunger and even better - how to determine what you really want to eat.  I call them "The Don't Go Hungry Questions"  and keep them high up on my left side bar as a visual reminder to ask myself these questions when I want to eat.

• 1. Am I hungry?
• 2. How will this food feel as I eat it?
• 3. How will this food feel right after I've finished eating it?
• 4. How will this food feel 1 hour after I eat it?
• 5. How will this food feel 2-3 hours after I eat it?
• 
  

Question # 5 was my A-HA moment.  So often my stomach would ache and feel painfully bloated about 3 hours after dinner.  Rightfully, I blamed it on eating too much, but I didn't stop the behavior the next day.  Once I started asking myself the Don't Go Hungry questions, I realize the amounts of food I was eating as well as WHAT I was eating were causing me to feel so badly.  And by consciously asking myself these questions prior to eating and while I'm eating, I am able to stop eating before it becomes too much and to make food choices that make my body feel good.

The result? My weight is heading back to the happy zone.  Mindfully. Slowly. Sustainably.  It feels good.

Boundaries Revisited

Over my long dieting career, I've often caved to the thinking "I can be normal" when it comes to certain foods.  Cookies, candy, chips, etc.   The truth of the matter is that I can't be normal.  There is something in my make-up that can turn on mindless eating if I just have one bite of a trigger food.   It's not as bad as it used to be, but it's still there.

As a result, it's important that I ask myself the "Don't Go Hungry" questions prior to eating.  This helped me today.  Some lucky person at work must have received a gift basket over the holidays.  Fruit (nice), cake (nice, but no thanks), nuts (nice, but not right now) and other delectable-looking items sit on a table in the break room tempting us all to 'have just one.'   For  most people that wouldn't be detrimental, for me it would.   I looked at the items and thought about the questions and came up with a new boundary for myself at the workplace:

If I didn't bring it from home, I don't want it.

This will help me in so many ways.  I am pretty much a food snob - I want real food, as few preservatives as possible, and I want to know what's in it.  If I bring it from home, I meet those wants because most of what I have at home is prepared at home - I make my own yogurt.  I try to have sweet potatoes instead of cereal for breakfast, but if I have cereal, I know what's in it.  I have a bag of Lindt 70% Excellence Squares in my desk drawer.  I bought the bag and brought it in from home.  I know what is in the treat - 1 square = 30 calories of not too sweet yumminess. Great for that post-lunch "I need something sweet" feeling.   But above all else, the benefits of sticking to the boundary "If I didn't bring it from home, I don't want it" is that it makes it tons easier to exercise control over my eating.  I don't have to try to just have one chocolate covered cherry or one piece of cake.  I didn't bring it from home, so I don't want it.  

Notice my language - WANT not NEED.  We all know I don't need it.  Need isn't choice.  Want is choice.  By using the word want, I give myself choice.  That's important too.  I choose to limit my food to items I bring from home.  That's empowering.  

And so are boundaries.  

Calories Count on Saturdays and Sundays, too

Come Friday, I'm almost always ready to for some fun - a reward for surviving the work week.  And on Saturdays, my brain goes into 'weekend' mode - time for more fun.  While I've long given up what used to be my Friday night reward - out for untold numbers of beers and then giving into the munchies - I still struggle with weekend thinking.

My partner and I make Saturday nights "Date Night" and he always cooks a fantastic meal for me.  He uses real food - no imitation anything.  Butter, cream, sugar, oil, sour cream, etc.  If the recipe calls for it he uses it without thinking there may be a substitution that will work just as well.  He's a food purist this way.   Last night's dinner was steak (filet mignon), twice-baked potato, salad, bread, and wine.  And I enjoyed every bit of it.   Too much of it.  Especially the wine.  Why?  Because I caved and had a pre-dinner cocktail.  That led to another pre-dinner cocktail.  I was hungry and the booze hit  me and my brain got a bit fuzzy.  So when it came time to eat dinner, while I asked myself the "Don't Go Hungry" questions, I ignored the answers.  And I ignored my stomach telling me it was full.   I honestly think had I waited until after dinner to start drinking the booze, I would have heeded my body better. 

On MyFoodDiary.com, I'm the host of a support group for staying the weight management course on the weekends.  I quite often feel like a fraud.  This morning is one of those times. I didn't have a plan for making sure I didn't over-eat.  I had all sorts of goals for this weekend - and have met most of them.  But I didn't think about how to handle the booze.  Didn't make it a consideration, even though I know that if I get fuzzy, I tend to ignore my body's signals.

I'm not beating myself up.  I'm taking the lesson with me.  And next weekend - I'll stick to hot tea before dinner.  

Weekends count.  When I started the group, there was a response that really gave me pause: 

"Do you stop wearing your seatbelt on the weekends?"    

Our weight management plan is our seatbelt.  And while the plan may allow for some indulgences, totally ignoring it is like not wearing our seatbelt.   I feel safer with my seatbelt on - so next weekend, my plan will include a strategy for managing the booze.  

Boundaries

One of the hardest things I've had to accept is that I am not normal when it comes to food. Perhaps I should say I am not what I perceive as normal. There are some foods, if left to my own devices, I would never stop with one or two portions the way a 'normal' person would. I also tend to use food as a tranquilizer for my moods. I eat the food of choice until either my mood is numbed and my stomach hurts or the food is all gone. And if the food is all gone before my mood is numbed and my stomach hurts, I'll likely go looking for more. I had to accept that because of this behavior, there are some foods that are just not safe to keep in the house. I set boundaries around them and do my best to live within those boundaries.

Being this honest with myself and being willing to change my behaviors by limiting my exposure to trigger foods are two reasons I've been successful in maintaining my weight loss. I call it Living Within Boundaries.

Here are some of my boundaries:

Chips - Eat only in a restaurant and only with the main meal. Count out one portion.

Sweets - Don't keep in the house. Can enjoy chocolate or a portion of a sweet AFTER I've worked out and only in the company of someone. The sweet should be of superlative quality (ie, Godiva or better)

Starches - Only eat in the company of others - one to two portions only (Starches are a huge trigger for me)

Nuts & Dried Fruit - Eat only as a 'emergency' snack when out on on adventure with D and the only other eating option is fast-food.

Nibbling - no nibbling while cleaning the kitchen.


That's it. Not too many boundaries and no food is every off limits. I just have certain limitations about how I can enjoy it. I am constantly tweaking my boundaries - sometimes the trigger foods and behaviors change and I need to make adjustments appropriately. That's where the self-honesty really plays a factor.