My Food Diary.com

Rejoined.  I truly WANT to be able to eat intuitively and I'm moving the line towards that.  But here are two cold hard facts (I think they're facts - I'm going under the assumption they are):

1.  Obesity and then drastic (more than 2 lbs per week) has played havoc on my metabolism.  I can't have as much food as I want without killing myself with exercise and that is no longer an option.

2.  I have a little bit of an eating disorder.

I need to track my food - hunger levels (see #2), focus, satisfaction AND calories (see #1).

MyFoodDiary.com is, for me, the easiest online calorie tracker there is.  And I am willing to pay for it.

Hey - I'm a maintainer!

It hit me this week that my weight has been fairly stable for the past year.  Sure it's a good 30 lbs higher than I'd like, but it's stablized.  I like that.

I took a few days off exercise - work got in the way one night and I just didn't want to one night.  Back at it today.  Leslie Sansone 4miles express.  My heart rate didn't get above 141 and the average was 130 (my max according to Polar is 135 for moderate).  I did well today. And I feel well too.

After the work out - made a huge salad of butter lettuces, raddicio (sp) and carrots.  And home made caesar salad dressing.  Not quite the real thing, but full fat, full flavor everything so a little will go a long way.

Found a local butcher - YAY!   We bought a month's worth of meat and two properly cut, properly sized filet mignon steaks.  Guess what's for dinner tonight?  Classic - steak, baked potato (D and I will split), sauteed mushrooms for me,  the wonder salad I made and wine.  I'm happy.

More later.

More changes

I'm changing the blog somewhat.  I'll still post rambling thoughts about weight management, but they may not (hopefully won't) be the sole focus of this blog.  I have other interests - I enjoy cooking, reading and knitting and I'm learning about taking care of plants - annuals and perennials.  But no one ever hears about those things from me.  Instead they hear whining and complaining about weight management.  Or my latest and greatest approach to weight management.  It has been the sole focus of my life since I was about 8 years old.  When things didn't go well,  I blamed my weight.   And I stopped living.

Crying is cathartic

For the first time since the weight gain started, I allowed myself to cry about it.  Actually, my body didn't ask permission - the tears came and would not be held back.  All because my doctor asked me why I hadn't lost any weight.  There's no valid answer -  just excuses.  Mine as simple "I haven't had time."  But the tears started when I followed that up with "I don't know if I'll ever lose this weight."

Two Topics - Accountability and Don't Go Hungry Questions - Revisited

Accountability 

Yesterday was a doozie when it comes to my eating.  I did everything like I did when I weighed 210 lbs.  I wanted to eat, I ate.   There are some exceptions:  I didn't hit the vending machine so I stuck to my boundary about not eating anything I didn't bring from home.  Another is that a much smaller quantity of food now makes me miserable.  That's it though.

I ate mindlessly.  I ate crap - real food, but not healthy food.  And by the time I went to bed last night, my stomach ACHED.   So not only did I have a sore back, I had an aching stomach.  Hmm - was I looking for balanced pain?   

No, I was looking for comfort in all the wrong places. By the time I got home from work, I was in real state of self-pity.   I indulged it big time.  Comfort food for dinner followed by cookie dough.   It expanded in my stomach and well....

Now for the big difference between now and 210 lbs.  I stepped on the scale this morning.  They were up 3 lbs.   I know I didn't eat enough to gain 3 lbs, but I probably did gain at least one.  The thing is - I held myself accountable for my actions.  Not stepping on the scales may have sent the message "I didn't weigh myself so what I ate last night doesn't count."   That is a very dangerous message and one that sends me on a slippery slide UP the scales.   My point is - pick at least one tool to use consistently that will give you feedback on your efforts.  Use that tool to hold yourself accountable.  It truly can make the difference between weighing 150 lbs or weighing 210 lbs.

Now for the Don't Go Hungry Questions.

I'm adding one:   Will this food still be with me 3 hours from now?   And if the answer is yes, I need to rethink eating it.   One thing I'm learning is that when I eat too much (even if only a little too  much) in one sitting, I will be  miserable for hours.   What I want to do is use that knowledge to stop the eating too much pattern.   I'd rather eat a little more often and have a happy tummy.

An old nemesis is back

It's been a very long time since my back has acted up so much I considered not going to work.   But here I am.  I'm at work with a nagging pain in my hip and all of my food for the day already eaten.  It's only 11:30 AM.  I'm not physically hungry, but the desire to eat is huge.  Eating is a comfort activity for me and when I'm in pain I want to eat.   I'll be OK - I will stick to my boundary of not eating anything I haven't brought from home.  My partner (who works for the same company) has some home-made oatmeal raisin cookies in his office.  I'll grab two later on this afternoon - if I need them.

Recognizing this hunger and the cause is enlightening.  I don't have an alternative activity.  Sleep would be good.  Being at home would be good.  Neither are options right now.  I haven't had this eating response since I came off of OPTIFAST and it's definitely thrown me for a bit of a loop.  What kind of alternative activities can I practice when I want to eat because of physical pain?

Along with the bad back comes another stress - I can't work out.  Not with this back.   In fact, I think the back pain is a cumulative result of a week's worth of jarring my body by doing low-impact aerobics on a cement floor.  

The good news - the cushioned floor mats have been ordered.   I am hoping they'll be here sometime next week.  In the meantime, I get to reduce my eating to accommodate reduced activity and soon as I'm able I will re-start my strength training and walk in the neighborhood (weather permitting).

Just a quick update..

For those of you who knew I was having some blood work done to make sure I wasn't redeveloping metabolic syndrome, the initial results indicate that all is well.  Blood sugars are normal, A1C is normal, insulin is normal, cortisol is normal, thyroid is normal.  Cholesterol is slightly elevated.

I'm relieved, and at the same time feel a bit frustrated.

More good news, after whining and venting, I relaxed some.  And the scales are nudging downwards again.

Keeping On Keeping On - Part 2

One of the reason I wrote about 'keeping on keeping on' last week was because I was talking to myself.  Reminding myself it's a daily thing. Automatic.  It takes time and effort - but so does brushing my teeth or taking a shower and I don't freak about those things.  Or get tired of doing them.  I just do them.  And get on with life.

What I haven't made too public - until today - is that my kinder, gentler approach to weight loss/management is not working.  Based on the numbers, it should be working.  And it's frustrating me to the point of hurdling me into a depression.

I went to the doctor today.  She agrees - I should be returning to my normal weight based on calories and exercise.  She does think my diet needs tweaking (less starch, more green) and I should consider upping my exercise time to 60 minutes a day on most days.  And I must include weight training.  Pilates is not enough.

Blood work was drawn.  A nutritionist was recommended.  And I'm still frustrated.

But - I'm going to go on keeping on.  I'm going to keep on track with my exercise and I'm going to keep on tracking my food intake.  But  - I'm going to up my calories just a bit, to make sure my body has the fuel it needs for the workouts.  

I'm going to try to be patient.  And I was reminded to look at what I have accomplished - I lost almost 70 lbs, and have maintained most of that loss for almost 3 years.  I AM on the right side of the statistics.  And I will keep on keeping on to make sure I stay there.

Reconnecting

My partner and I are going on a pilgrimage for lunch today.  Last year, about this time, we discovered an wonderful family-owned restaurant near Jefferson, GA - The Redd House.  They have the best fried chicken outside of grandmother's kitchen.  And fried green tomatoes done right (all the slices are about 1/4" thick -no gross slabs), chicken livers, hush puppies, fried catfish.  Fried. Fried.  And More Fried.  

Luckily for me, they also have a fairly nice salad bar and vegetable table.  I can indulge in a little bit of FRIED and then fill up on veggies.

But it hit me today: we go there for more than the food.  We go for the ambiance.  It's family run and families go there to eat after church.   They all seem to know one another.  It's almost like Mayberry.   My partner and I are both from small southern towns and we're rather misplaced living in Atlanta.  It hit me today that we make the 90 mile trek to The Redd House not just for the great food, but to reconnect with our roots.

And I don't have to gorge on fried green tomatoes for the reconnection.  I'll be happy with one piece of catfish and a plate full of vegetables.  Fruit for dessert.   And I'll feel at peace with myself in all ways when we leave.

Getting Lost in the Numbers

I spent the morning logging my dinner from last night: 1/2 of a filet mignon browned in a little bit of butter and then finished off in the oven, lyonnaise potatoes (sliced potatoes, dotted with a little bit of butter, thin strips of sweet onion and unsalted beef stock, baked to crispy yumminess), salad with homemade dressing, wine, bread, butter.  My first estimate came up to be well over 1000 calories.  WHAT?  No way.  My partner agreed.  We started looking at my estimates.  "No, I didn't put but about 1 TBSP of butter in the potatoes"  "No, you steak was only about 4oz"  "No, you did not eat 1 1/2 TBSP of butter."   With some adjustments to my overestimating, I did get my meal down to under 1000 calories, barely.    

Then I made the comment to my partner "I'm not THAT worried about it, I did exercise and burned off about 300 calories."  He remarked "you're not taking into account your BMR, nor all the activity you had yesterday.  Bring up the firewood probably burned 300 calories."   I'm not sure about that.  I was figuring maybe 150 tops.

What I am sure about though, is that I'm basing all my numbers on estimates.  I estimate my calories burned.  It's an informed estimate  - I use a heart rate monitor.  I estimate the calories I consume.  Again  - informed estimates.  I weigh  most of my foods and I use MyFoodDiary or NutritionData to get the caloric contents.  I estimate the amount of calories I need to net out each day to lose weight.  Again - informed through  MyFoodDiary.com.    But all the numbers are estimates.

I could go to my doctor and spend lots of money getting tests done to more scientifically determine my basal metabolic rate.  It would still be an estimate.   I could spend tons of money sending off samples of my yogurt to a food lab to get accurate nutritional information on my recipe.  But I don't need to.  Nor do I want to.  I don't want to go through life obsessed with numbers.  It's much easier to aim for the guidelines.  They work well enough.

Please don't misunderstand.  I think it's incredibly important to know what 3 oz of chicken looks like on your plate.  To do that, you need to weigh your portions of chicken (or beef or pork, etc) for quite some time.  Then you can start eyeballing it.  But sometimes,  just to stay honest, you need to weigh it.   Same thing with a half  a cup or rice or a TBSP of butter.  

It's also important to know how much (using highly informed estimates) you eat each day.  I don't mean to get lost in how much fat, carb or protein.  I mean, did I eat 2000 calories or a reasonable 1500 calories?   And did I eat healthfully or did I gorge on sugar, carbs and fat?  

Exercise - I don't worry so much about how much I burn any more.  When I did that, I played mind games to justify poor eating choices.  Now, I just exercise and track that I did it.  I do wear a HRM so I can keep an eye on my heart rate to make sure I'm exercising at the right intensity.  But I don't add calories to my daily allowance when I exercise.  

So, yes - I know my numbers (estimates) but I don't get lost in them.  Makes life a bit more simple.

The Don't Go Hungry Questions

Since last May when I first heard about Paul McKenna's "I Can Make You Thin" approach to losing weight and maintaining the loss, I've struggled with really understanding what it means to follow his golden rules:  

1. Eat What you want, not what you think you should eat
2. Eat ONLY when you are physically hungry
3. Eat Mindfully
4. Stop Eating when you are no longer physically hungry

The first rule always 'got' me.  How do I know what I REALLY want?  Left to my own device, cookies and cake usually pop to the top of the list.  But in reality, I don't really want cookies and cake - or not too much anyway.  The concept intrigued me.  I felt if I could master these rules then for once in my life, I would be free from my obsession with eating.   It didn't work.  I gained a few pounds that have stuck around like unwanted guests.

Then I read about Dr. Amanda Salisbury-Sains and her "The Don't Go Hungry Diet."   It advocates the same approach of eating what you want and only eating when you are physically hungry.  But she takes it further.  She provides great guidelines on how to assess your hunger and even better - how to determine what you really want to eat.  I call them "The Don't Go Hungry Questions"  and keep them high up on my left side bar as a visual reminder to ask myself these questions when I want to eat.

• 1. Am I hungry?
• 2. How will this food feel as I eat it?
• 3. How will this food feel right after I've finished eating it?
• 4. How will this food feel 1 hour after I eat it?
• 5. How will this food feel 2-3 hours after I eat it?
• 
  

Question # 5 was my A-HA moment.  So often my stomach would ache and feel painfully bloated about 3 hours after dinner.  Rightfully, I blamed it on eating too much, but I didn't stop the behavior the next day.  Once I started asking myself the Don't Go Hungry questions, I realize the amounts of food I was eating as well as WHAT I was eating were causing me to feel so badly.  And by consciously asking myself these questions prior to eating and while I'm eating, I am able to stop eating before it becomes too much and to make food choices that make my body feel good.

The result? My weight is heading back to the happy zone.  Mindfully. Slowly. Sustainably.  It feels good.

There Is No Magic Pill

**** Warning: Major Rant Follows ****

I think by now if you follow this blog, you know I use an Internet site to track my calories and get tons of support from some very wise people.  Every now and then someone will ask about using the latest diet gimmick being marketed and it almost invariably makes my blood boil.  I hate it that there are still "Snake Oil" frauds out there trying to bilk people out of their money.   Repeat after me:

THERE IS NO MAGIC PILL   THERE IS NO MAGIC PILL   THERE IS NO MAGIC PILL

What does work?  Consistency, planning, determination, a sound diet, exercise and most importantly - the right mindset.  If you go into a diet thinking it's a temporary thing, then the weight loss will also be temporary.  And that could be more harmful to the body than being a few pounds overweight.  

Instead of thinking "I need to lose weight"  think "I need to manage my weight better.  I can do that by making some changes to help me shed a few pounds and then maintain that weight."    Weight management.  It includes loss and sustained effort to maintain.   I'm proof positive of that.  I stopped taking as much as effort as I needed to maintain my weight and now I'm off track a bit and need to right my course.  (see Keeping the Pounds Off for more on this great analogy)

And while I was off course, there was part of my mind looking for that magic pill.  I wanted to drop those extra pounds fast.  What happened?  I'd take a drastic almost hateful approach and lose two lbs.  I'd loosen the seatbelt too much and then gain 2 or 3 lbs.  Rinse and repeat.   It's so easy to fall into this.

But I got my head right (and rant on here to help keep it right) and am taking a healthier, gentler approach that will facilitate successful weight management to regain and maintain my healthy weight.  Wow - that takes longer to say that "I'm dieting and need to lose a few" but it sure does feel healthier to say that to myself.  

My head's no longer in the sand about my weight and how I gained a few lbs.  I'm no longer looking for the magic pill.  And I feel strong and healthy.  I know I'll get back to my happy weight.  And I'm confident I'll stay in the happy range because I won't have achieved the happy weight thru gimmicks.  

Boundaries Revisited

Over my long dieting career, I've often caved to the thinking "I can be normal" when it comes to certain foods.  Cookies, candy, chips, etc.   The truth of the matter is that I can't be normal.  There is something in my make-up that can turn on mindless eating if I just have one bite of a trigger food.   It's not as bad as it used to be, but it's still there.

As a result, it's important that I ask myself the "Don't Go Hungry" questions prior to eating.  This helped me today.  Some lucky person at work must have received a gift basket over the holidays.  Fruit (nice), cake (nice, but no thanks), nuts (nice, but not right now) and other delectable-looking items sit on a table in the break room tempting us all to 'have just one.'   For  most people that wouldn't be detrimental, for me it would.   I looked at the items and thought about the questions and came up with a new boundary for myself at the workplace:

If I didn't bring it from home, I don't want it.

This will help me in so many ways.  I am pretty much a food snob - I want real food, as few preservatives as possible, and I want to know what's in it.  If I bring it from home, I meet those wants because most of what I have at home is prepared at home - I make my own yogurt.  I try to have sweet potatoes instead of cereal for breakfast, but if I have cereal, I know what's in it.  I have a bag of Lindt 70% Excellence Squares in my desk drawer.  I bought the bag and brought it in from home.  I know what is in the treat - 1 square = 30 calories of not too sweet yumminess. Great for that post-lunch "I need something sweet" feeling.   But above all else, the benefits of sticking to the boundary "If I didn't bring it from home, I don't want it" is that it makes it tons easier to exercise control over my eating.  I don't have to try to just have one chocolate covered cherry or one piece of cake.  I didn't bring it from home, so I don't want it.  

Notice my language - WANT not NEED.  We all know I don't need it.  Need isn't choice.  Want is choice.  By using the word want, I give myself choice.  That's important too.  I choose to limit my food to items I bring from home.  That's empowering.  

And so are boundaries.  

Calories Count on Saturdays and Sundays, too

Come Friday, I'm almost always ready to for some fun - a reward for surviving the work week.  And on Saturdays, my brain goes into 'weekend' mode - time for more fun.  While I've long given up what used to be my Friday night reward - out for untold numbers of beers and then giving into the munchies - I still struggle with weekend thinking.

My partner and I make Saturday nights "Date Night" and he always cooks a fantastic meal for me.  He uses real food - no imitation anything.  Butter, cream, sugar, oil, sour cream, etc.  If the recipe calls for it he uses it without thinking there may be a substitution that will work just as well.  He's a food purist this way.   Last night's dinner was steak (filet mignon), twice-baked potato, salad, bread, and wine.  And I enjoyed every bit of it.   Too much of it.  Especially the wine.  Why?  Because I caved and had a pre-dinner cocktail.  That led to another pre-dinner cocktail.  I was hungry and the booze hit  me and my brain got a bit fuzzy.  So when it came time to eat dinner, while I asked myself the "Don't Go Hungry" questions, I ignored the answers.  And I ignored my stomach telling me it was full.   I honestly think had I waited until after dinner to start drinking the booze, I would have heeded my body better. 

On MyFoodDiary.com, I'm the host of a support group for staying the weight management course on the weekends.  I quite often feel like a fraud.  This morning is one of those times. I didn't have a plan for making sure I didn't over-eat.  I had all sorts of goals for this weekend - and have met most of them.  But I didn't think about how to handle the booze.  Didn't make it a consideration, even though I know that if I get fuzzy, I tend to ignore my body's signals.

I'm not beating myself up.  I'm taking the lesson with me.  And next weekend - I'll stick to hot tea before dinner.  

Weekends count.  When I started the group, there was a response that really gave me pause: 

"Do you stop wearing your seatbelt on the weekends?"    

Our weight management plan is our seatbelt.  And while the plan may allow for some indulgences, totally ignoring it is like not wearing our seatbelt.   I feel safer with my seatbelt on - so next weekend, my plan will include a strategy for managing the booze.  

About the Scales - the bathroom scales

"So don't force the numbers. They'll come. Here is your job today: adhere to a winning pattern of action that you know will produce results if you follow it consistently."   View entire article here

This great quote was given to me by a fellow MFD'er and it comes from a website I intend to investigate much more thoroughly: Hussman Fitness

But for now, I want to talk about my disappointment, resignation, and acceptance of a number this morning.  The number on the bathroom scale.  I didn't like what it showed.  

Many people who struggle with their weight decide the bathroom scale (or the one at the gym or the doctor's office) is enemy #1 and should avoided at all costs.  I see these reasons often given:

• The fluctuations make me crazy
  
• I can't deal with the disappointment
  
• If the scale reflects success, I take it as permission to splurge (I'm guilty of this one)
  
• If the scale is up, despite my being faithful to plan, then I say 'what the hell' and give up
  
• What does a number matter?
  

Excuses.  That's all these are.  And yes, I know that's a harsh statement, but it's true.  I avoided the scales all the way to 211 lbs.  I was fat (obese), unhealthy and depressed and avoiding facing the truth.  Guess what people - avoiding facing the truth, for emotional eaters, can cause triggers to go off which can turn on the "I NEED TO EAT" screaming voice.  

The scale serves as tool to show you how well you're adhering to your weight management plan.  No, it does not take into account water retention from eating processed foods.  Or hormonal fluctuations, etc.  But those typically are minor blips that self correct.  What the scale does do is show a trend.  Steady, down, or up.   And it allows you to make minor tweaks when necessary.

I avoided the scales for the past week.   It was intentional - I knew the number would be up as I'd eaten way too much fat, sugar, and processed foods over the holidays.  So, I gave myself a few days to return to a normal eating pattern.  Then I weighed.  Didn't like the number but I now have a baseline from which to assess my weight management success.

The scale alone can't do that - if tomorrow's weight is up from today and I did everything per plan, then there are more factors to consider.  However, if the next day trends up too, then I have an indicator that I may need to look at my behavior.  Am I REALLY following the plan?  Am I measuring the butter?  Am I drinking my water?  Am I sloppy in my logging?

So, alone, the scale can be quite frustrating.  But it can and should be used as a signal to assess the effectiveness of your weight management efforts.  And I do use the tool daily.