Old Habits Rearing Their Heads....

So, I'm back at work this week and to be honest, I'm finding it very difficult to focus on my food when I'm eating.  I'm eating until the food is gone - not until I no longer enjoy the food.

This is my next hurdle in moving the line towards my happy health - making time to eat with focus at work.

I've got all the roadblocks already in my head:

1. Our break room is one of the most uninviting places I've been - I don't want to eat there
2. I don't have time to actually take a break
3. My food isn't conducive to taking outside to eat

I don't have the roadblocks cleared in my head yet... but I will be thinking about this.    I can't do anything about #1 - but #2-3 are all within my control.  So I'll be focusing on removing those two roadblocks.

A Dose of Honesty

Recently, a well-meaning woman wrote to me privately that she believed I've been self-sabatoging myself for the past three years.  Hmmm.

I've been thinking about that.  Though I disagree with her approach to weight maintenance - she's an exercise fiend and I don't think that's sustainable, I have a ton of respect and admiration for what she's accomplished - the amount of weight loss and keeping it off for three years.  Her approach is obviously working for her at this time.  And when there's a rankle, there's some truth.  So, I've been thinking about it.

Yesterday, I wrote that one of my biggest challenges is all the food in the office.  My thoughts on how much food is in the office belongs to another post.  Let's just say it's wrong.  But more importantly, when I re-read that post this morning, I thought to myself.  Hmmm.  Perhaps {insert name here} is correct.  Not necessarily in the sense she described, but there is some self-sabotage going on.  I'm naming obstacles left and right.  But never the biggest one:  my mind.

My mind is no longer in the right place.  And I do very much believe that if the mind is in the right place, then the obstacles become less and less of a distraction.

I'm going to be somewhat unplugged for the next week.  Oh, I'll have as much access to the internet as I desire.  But I desire to plant 100 daffodil bulbs instead.  I desire to knit instead.  I desire to read instead.  And while I'm planting bulbs and knitting and reading, I'm gonna be working on my mind.

I will not return to the former days of weight management by brute force.  It's not in me to do so.  However, a little bit of discipline can go a long long way. And one does not become one's best self without a little bit of discipline.

So, {insert name here}, if you're still checking on me, know that your comments are being well considered - not summarily dismissed.  And thank you.

Happy

One of my frustrations for the past three years is that it seems my dear husband does not know how to cook without using butter, cream or sour cream.  And he's especially happy when he can use a combination of all three fats in the same dish.

Tonight's menu: ground beef with noodles.  I gave him no preparation instructions because one does not tell his man how to cook.  I was expecting to pick my way through a fat laden stroganoff type sauce.  I was very happily mistaken.  The dish had no  butter, no cream, no sour cream and it was delicious.

The rest of today went well enough.  I logged. I ate when I was hungry.  I stopped when I was not.  I did get too hungry because I sort of accidentally skipped breakfast.  Bad idea.  But it turned out OK.

And I did pilates when I got home from work.  18 minutes.  Worked up a sweat.

Dear Maura

Dear Maura,

This is your psyche and body talking to you together.

Thank you for taking Sandrelle's challenge!  Already, we feel lighter and cared for.

Thank you for paying attention to your mantra of eating between the 2's.  By doing so, we got enough food, but not too much.

Thank you for not taking a path of deprivation to get turned around so we can move towards health and vibrancy.  By not being deprived, it will be easier to stay on the path and not be distracted by pretend food.

Thank you for not giving up.

Sincerely,
Your psyche and body

Good weekend

D and I left Thursday evening for North Georgia instead of Friday morning.  This did something really wonderful for me - it eliminated the stress I usually feel trying to get my hours made up at work.  We got up there in time to relax Thursday evening and then work all day on Friday.  Working looking out the window at my beautiful creek!

He and I also talked a lot about my weight gain and some other things.  I've ordered a glucose monitoring kit and will start measuring my blood sugars each morning for a while.  We want to get a better idea  of which foods (or drinks) cause the most impact.

Better yet, we actually checked in with each other before automatically preparing and eating dinner on Friday.  The result was that we skipped dinner and I was fine with it.

And I played with flowers, went to the farmer's market  (scored a huge back of kale for $1!), and basically just enjoyed a good relaxing weekend.

Work is busy

And I stuck to my guns.  I told people I was leaving at 4pm and the ones who decided that I wasn't serious found out I was.  "No, I'm sorry - I can't get that for you.  I've  just shut down and I have to leave."  She wasn't happy.  But I was  - leaving on time gave me:

• An easier commute home
• Time to hit the grocery store
• Time to move my body with Leslie Sansone  (2 miles from the 5 Advanced CD)
• And peace of mind

I have to work a little tonight, but that will be OK.

Had a great weekend - a girlfriend and I had a girls'  weekend at Coosa Creek.  Much fun - lots of talking, some good girlie food, some good wine, some shopping and some walking!  Uphill walking!  My friend and I walked the paved footpath from the parking lot at Brasstown Bald to the top- we climbed about 500 feet in .6 miles!  It was steep and I took my time and made it.  Yay me!  And thanks to A for encouraging me to keep going!

http://www.georgiatrails.com/gt/Brasstown_Bald_Trail

It's time to make that donation!

As I promised mid-February, once a month I will randomly choose one of my supporters who left a comment on my blog during the last month and make a $25.00 donation to his/or her selected charity.

Today is the first random selection:  Sandrelle!  Check out Sandrelle's inspiring, motivational, educational and giving blog: Keeping it OFF!

Feeling strong and grateful

So, just a few days into publicly being accountable for my goals and asking for help - I feel stronger and incredibly grateful.  One of the women I want to grow up to be happens to be a co-worker who has maintained an 80-something lb weight loss for I don't know how many years.  I would have never have guessed she had ever been overweight.  C was the first co-worker I enlisted to help me.  She is IM'ing me a couple of times a day to remind me to drink my water and is so proud of me when I reply "I'm about to pee my pants."   W and C have also been recruited.  Their support is wonderful  - so a big thank you goes out to them.

And Kelly and Stacy - thanks for dropping by and leaving comments.  It really does help to know people are reading and following along.  And I know for myself that sometimes I think  - "I need to go back and post a comment" and then never do.  So I really do appreciate your taking the time to leave comments.

Another plus is coming from this. I suddenly seem to be so much more in tune with my body's real needs.  And it REALLY needed hydration.  Just two days into getting my 6 cups a day and I've started craving water.  This is good.

And by being hydrated, I have noticed that during meals, I start to feel uncomfortably full - halfway into my meal.  I take a few more bites and stop.  This has never happened before.  I like it.

I splurged today - on knitting needles. Lovely Lantern Moon size 8's - straight.  They are so beautiful.  I can't wait to cast on with them.  I have some oh so so soft alpaca that is in my line of vision and I think the alpaca and Lantern Moons are going to be good friends.

I finished my mittens.  They just need to be blocked.

Expectations of Support

I've been struggling with this idea for a few days now.   MyFoodDiary is a members' only site and I post a bit openly about some of the difficulties I have with my significant other.   I don't post about that much here because it is so public and he is an intensely private person and I must protect his privacy first and foremost.  So, with that caveat, I'll start today's ramble/rant:

Our partners are not the least little bit responsible for our success or failure with our weight management efforts.  Period.

My partner is a gourmet cook who, for the most part, fully embraces the use of real food in his food preparation.  He trained himself in the French method of cooking and he doesn't really believe in substitution.  Therefore, our sauces are thickened with butter or cream rather than maybe a bit of vegetable puree or arrowroot.   He didn't grow up eating whole-wheat pastas or brown rice and he doesn't want to switch.   He believes (rightfully, for the most part) the vegetables we get today are inferior and he doesn't want to waste his time or insult his palate with below par veggies.  Frozen veggies aren't much of an option for him - few freeze well.   Yep - he's a food snob.  But he's my food snob and while I need more vegetables in my diet, I accept his judgement on these things.   The result - few arguments about food in the house but a bit more stress on me to get my diet balanced.  The peace in our home is worth it.

I will also add that this man stood by me while I was on OPTIFAST and is standing by me every on step of my maintenance journey.   We argue sometimes about what steps I should take - but he's right there with me.

What are legitimate expectations of a loved one when you undertake a lifestyle change - especially one that could impact him or her?    Do you expect, just because you choose to order salad that your partner order a salad too?  Do you expect, just because you don't need or want Girl Scout Cookies, that your partner should forgo them too?   Do you expect that because you need to walk an hour a day, your partner should walk with you?   If you do, you're setting yourself up for disappointments and excuses to fall off the wagon.

That said - it is reasonable to ask your partner to not indulge in your favorite food in front of you.  It is also reasonable to ask your partner to walk with you.  But understand he/she may hate walking.  My partner thinks walking in the neighborhood is boring.  So - I asked.  He said no and I go for my walk alone.  That's OK.   

Is it reasonable to expect your partner to respect the boundaries you've set around food?  Yep.  What does that mean?  A story may illustrate better.  Last night, I was thumbing through a cook book and saw a cookie recipe I wanted to try.  I love to bake cookies and my partner loves to eat them.  However - I almost always make oatmeal raisin cookies.  He made a comment that he'd like a different kind of cookie so I've been looking at recipes.  But last night when I mentioned these cookies he said "What are you doing?  I don't really need the cookies. I appreciate that you want to make them for me, but I don't need them.  And my pants are fitting tighter."   Now, what he didn't say and I didn't even hear it silently implied was "you don't need them either."   What I heard was my partner asking me to not make cookies.  He likes them but doesn't need them and he doesn't want to have start shopping for new pants.  But I don't get to make cookies if I don't make them for him.  That's OK.  I'll show my support and respect for his boundary by not making cookies every week.   I've ordered Girl Scout cookies which will be delivered next month so I won't even think about making cookies again until April.  And when I make them in April - we'll share with the neighbors or co-workers.  He won't have to eat the whole batch.  I'm respecting a boundary he has set for himself around food.  (He normally doesn't munch on cookies just because they are available - but mine ARE that good - yeah, and I'm modest too)

It's also reasonable to expect your partner to respect the time it takes for you to work out and prepare the food you need on a daily basis.   This is a bit tricky for my partner and me.   He understands that I need to exercise.  We don't agree on how much and how often.  I win.  He grumbles.  We get over it.   He also doesn't understand my need to have food prepared for each day.  He's beginning to - he's seeing the few healthy real food options available for purchase when dining out.  I prefer to control what I eat most of the time.  He doesn't grumble that I do that - just that it takes time.  He's grumbling for a good reason - he wants me to relax or spend that time with him.

But I don't think it's reasonable to dictate what your partner eats.  Nor is it reasonable to dictate where he eats.   (Though it would be nice if he/she didn't pick fattening burger joints all the time - but point that out to him/her).   It's also not reasonable to make your partner feel bad about his/her food choices.  I was so guilty of this and my partner snapped at me "Thanks. Now I can't enjoy my lunch."  I felt so horrible that I had done that to him.

My partner and I don't have it all worked out perfectly.  But one thing that makes it easier is being honest with myself about who really owns my weight management: me.   By keeping that in mind, I am able to let my partner know how he can help me and what he does that hinders.  He knows I'm not making him responsible - just asking for his help.

And I'm very grateful to him for all his help.

  

Acknowledgement And Gratitude

For the past two days, I've been reminded twice to remember how far I've come in my journey.  And the nutritionist I spoke with yesterday  morning commented on how I changed my life.  That felt great.  It helped me remember the vow I made to myself when I started this journey: I will not gain the weight back and I will do everything within my power to make sure that doesn't happen.  

I think I've mentioned the wonderful blog, Refuse to Regain.  If not, it's a fantastic blog and resource for people who have lost weight and for people who are losing weight.  Yesterday's post, Now vs Then, the author looked at the quality of her life prior to losing weight vs now. It made me think about the same thing.    

Some of the changes are obvious:  Clothing options are far greater now than they were then.   I can walk for miles now vs about 10 minutes at a time then.  You can see the dimple in my cheek when I smile now. Then you could barely see my eyes.  

Other changes are not so obvious:  I feel infinitely better now.  I have the energy to move and must move.  Then, moving meant shifting my lounging position on the sofa as I watched another television program.   Now, I don't know what's on TV.  Then, I had the schedule memorized.   Now, I have the confidence to state my opinion to my boss. Then, I kept my mouth shut and stayed resentful.  The result is that I'm now much more successful in my career.

But the most important change is how I feel about myself.  While I have moments where I wallow in self-pity and doubt (like last week),  for the most part, I really like myself.  I like the person who has emerged from the blanket of fat.  Then, I lived in a cesspool of self-pity.  I could not acknowledge anything positive about myself.   I've come to realize that it's better to be a little bit vain and risk getting called down on it by my mother than it is to be so paralyzed by despair and fear of failure that I stagnate.

And while, yes - I am the one who ultimately changed her life to lose the weight and keep it off, I couldn't have done it without the support of others:  my wonderful partner who has been there every step of the way, my family and friends, all the great people on MyFoodDiary, my doctor and other healthcare professionals who constantly remind me to acknowledge what I've done.   Thank you.

Reconnecting

My partner and I are going on a pilgrimage for lunch today.  Last year, about this time, we discovered an wonderful family-owned restaurant near Jefferson, GA - The Redd House.  They have the best fried chicken outside of grandmother's kitchen.  And fried green tomatoes done right (all the slices are about 1/4" thick -no gross slabs), chicken livers, hush puppies, fried catfish.  Fried. Fried.  And More Fried.  

Luckily for me, they also have a fairly nice salad bar and vegetable table.  I can indulge in a little bit of FRIED and then fill up on veggies.

But it hit me today: we go there for more than the food.  We go for the ambiance.  It's family run and families go there to eat after church.   They all seem to know one another.  It's almost like Mayberry.   My partner and I are both from small southern towns and we're rather misplaced living in Atlanta.  It hit me today that we make the 90 mile trek to The Redd House not just for the great food, but to reconnect with our roots.

And I don't have to gorge on fried green tomatoes for the reconnection.  I'll be happy with one piece of catfish and a plate full of vegetables.  Fruit for dessert.   And I'll feel at peace with myself in all ways when we leave.

Thank You, Emory and STARS Group

This past Friday, I attended one of Emory's STARS groups to talk about my experiences with maintaining my weight. I enjoyed meeting everyone in the group and was so inspired by their achievements. Y'all are awesome!

After the group, the nutritionist and I chatted for a bit with the program's doctor, discussing my goals. They both gave me lots to think about in terms of how to possible get started in a career where I could use my experience and knowledge to help others lose weight and maintain their new weight.

They also both advised I take a hard look at my goal weight. One of my disappointments is that I haven't reached my goal weight. I'm 12-15 lbs away. And I've been 12-15 lbs away since April 2006. Both the nutritionist and the doctor think I may be trying to go too low and that some of the weight I want to lose is excess skin. WOW. That has given me something to think about and I've decided to revise my goal and now want to lose just 7 more lbs. At that time, I'll have another body fat % test done and consult with my physician about a realistic goal weight.

And on a side note - I accomplished a personal best at Emory. I climbed up 7 flights of stairs in the parking deck.

-Maura